No matter how many times I'm left in utter confusion and frustration about the way life is I still crave to cry out ot You. In times of the deepest pain or the fiercest anger all I can do is lift my hands up in prayer to You. Through all my questions unanswered, that at times have brought me to unbelief, You still pull me back in to see where You are.
The reality is that my disobedience has strangled me. My lack of trust has drowned me. And my outward blame has left me completely guilty.
I look back at every trial and can, for the most part, see the amazing thing You were doing. And the times I was nothing but obedient were the times I was most at peace, most filled with joy, and most trusting. I look back and can see all the reasons I'm not that same person anymore and it bums me out but I can only imagine the way it makes You feel. Love is a choice with no conditions and You chose to love me.. and not only love me, but save me from myself.
I know what it takes to get back there and I wish I was. Every night before bed I pray to You that I will work harder tomorrow, stay more focused tomorrow, look to You for what to do tomorrow...
But as soon as my busyness of the day starts to wear .. I hear the voice that tells me that I didn't follow through on those things.
I know I'm forgiven. But I can't be put in the pile of grace takers. I don't want to abuse the grace You freely give or the constant chances I have to let You change me.
I want You to be the center. I want to not care about the rest.. and lately I haven't as much. I feel like I finally battled the lack of trust that was poisoning my soul and fell into Your arms again. Let me stay there.
Let me follow Your way.
It's easy to think I can do it on my own. And for a while You let me. I fought to hard to get my way. But now, more than ever, I know that I need Your constant direction.
The reward for obedience is much more greater than the instant gratification of disobedience.
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