my hearts in a suitcase.

home again. .. . or ?
not that I don't like the house i live in and definitely not that i don't LOVE my friends and family.. . . but this place i have inhabited over the past few years feels so wrong to call home.
i remember moving to washington. one car load and excited to live with my sis for a season, to help with my grandma, to see friends.. but never to be permanent.
my stay seems to feel too long although i wouldn't know amazing friends dear to my heart such as Bethany or Chloe and that i am forever grateful.
it feels dumb to say that i couldn't make this place home but i now think it's ok.
i remember a year after being here i had two weeks before i was out the door and back to cali and i let stuff get in the way.. stop my travels.. trick my heart.
i was told i was a runner and i believed those words. but as time has come and gone i disagree. you're wrong. i'm not a runner.
i'm adventurous.
i like .. wait .. LOVE new things.
i like the freshness of a new place.
i like meeting people.
sharing life.
i like culture.
i LOVE the beach.
i love sunsets.
i love it when the beach meets cliffs and mountains are closeby.
i like skateboarding on dry land.
i like knowing that it won't rain for the next 5 months.
and be dark all day.

uneasyness hung in my heart like a rock while i sat in the airport last night.
getting on the plane was saddening.. knowing i'd be back where my heart's never settled.. never taken seed.
it felt wrong to come back.
it seemed as though i was leaving home and being forced to go somewhere i never wanted to go.
and yes it was so great to spend the morning with my sister and see the family i live with because i do love these people. a lot.
and to hear my sister express how much she doesn't want to be here hurts because she can't go. she's here.
but i'm going.
leaving on a jetplane don't know when i'll be back again.