i've had a lot of eye openers lately.. epiphany's so to speak. situations, events, people, understandings that have changed little parts of me. as i shed skin each part of me changes. i must say i never thought me and edson wouldn't make it. i knew we had differences and problems but i put everything into him and into the idea that it would be just us two forever. no matter how bad the bad is, when you place yourself in someone else's hands and heart it will tear you a part.. which is what this has done to me. don't get me wrong i feel strong and empowered in various ways and feel like what you need to do for yourself isn't always comfortable but the emptiness from absent love is crushing. my heart's a mess but i'm desperate to connect.. this june gloom seems to keep me in bed longer.. take more naps.. feel more heartache. i go to the gym. work on art. read. go hiking. go to the beach. all the things i love but the emptiness is still there. the ache of something missing. something that needed to be removed from my life for now and possibly forever. i've had heartache. from so many different things. it always feels different but you always know it's heartache. always. its the same gut wrenching heaviness in your chest and emptiness everywhere you look. i'm not depressed. if anything i feel light and free. so many emotions and feelings at once and here i am pressing on. moving forward. just move on. but fuck the taste of you is still wet in my mouth and the warmth of your body is still present in my sleep. the reality is that after so long there's still so much you never searched to understand or know about me. as much as you were never enough for me .. i was never going to be enough for you.

It's the end of June and it has been a year since last end of June. A lot changed in my life last June.... I got Frankie!! my little 7 week old baby pitbull. Since then he was in the hospital for a week, sick again a couple months later, grew into an intense possessiveness over food, toys, and me, went through hours and hours of training, caused me not only a lot of money but also a lot of stress and here we are today best friends. At the end of the day no one is like Frankie. In the real world a lot happened as well. I have kept my job at The Marquee successfully for over a year now. I quit Derf's, quit Jitter's, started at Trader Joe's quit Trader Joe's, got a job at Zaytoon's and lasted a month. Now I am only at Marquee. Last July I met a guy named Domenico.. fell in love with this Italian man and at the end of October he had to go back to Italy and was no more. I was heartbroken and was looking for distractions.. and successfully found them but probably didn't need them. I met a guy named Edson and started dating him and by January we had officially become boyfriend and girlfriend. I let all of me love Edson, ALL OF ME. too much and too soon. I only saw redeeming qualities and every non redeeming quality and red flag was pushed aside. By April we were fighting over stupid stuff, he was constantly fickle and we were both broke down. Problems had entered our relationship and we did not know how to successfully communicate through them and work as a team. The beginning of June it ended and as much as I needed and wanted to be freed from it the pain was still there. So now a year has passed and although a lot of pain entered my life this year, a lot of pain is also leaving my life. I recently have been trying to shed unhealthy skin and so far have been quit successful. I have more free time than I've had in a long time and that free time has been dedicated to art and fun. I picked up a job that is once a week, one hour, teaching art to kids which is such a passion of mine. Close doors that need to be closed and the right ones will open. goodbye for now...