i've had a lot of eye openers lately.. epiphany's so to speak. situations, events, people, understandings that have changed little parts of me. as i shed skin each part of me changes. i must say i never thought me and edson wouldn't make it. i knew we had differences and problems but i put everything into him and into the idea that it would be just us two forever. no matter how bad the bad is, when you place yourself in someone else's hands and heart it will tear you a part.. which is what this has done to me. don't get me wrong i feel strong and empowered in various ways and feel like what you need to do for yourself isn't always comfortable but the emptiness from absent love is crushing. my heart's a mess but i'm desperate to connect.. this june gloom seems to keep me in bed longer.. take more naps.. feel more heartache. i go to the gym. work on art. read. go hiking. go to the beach. all the things i love but the emptiness is still there. the ache of something missing. something that needed to be removed from my life for now and possibly forever. i've had heartache. from so many different things. it always feels different but you always know it's heartache. always. its the same gut wrenching heaviness in your chest and emptiness everywhere you look. i'm not depressed. if anything i feel light and free. so many emotions and feelings at once and here i am pressing on. moving forward. just move on. but fuck the taste of you is still wet in my mouth and the warmth of your body is still present in my sleep. the reality is that after so long there's still so much you never searched to understand or know about me. as much as you were never enough for me .. i was never going to be enough for you.