Because I don't want to be alone tonight.. Pick up my soul..

I finished this tonight. When I started it I really had no hopes of it turning out to be what it is and just took it as it came.
I wish I could do that with life more then I do. I mean.. approach it the way I approach art. I guess sometimes I do and sometimes taking things that seem right or fun along the way end in pain or mistake. Hmmm.. maybe I should process this thought more. . .

So often a pain hits me that is old. Long gone situation that continues to bring that pain. But its a feeling and feelings aren't always reality. Now the ability to make that the way my heart deals and how I move through life is a totally different story.
And when a new situation poisons with pain it just seems to strike up that old cut again.
Someday it won't.
Maybe someday, while I'm still alive, this can become only a memory and not a pain.
But some things hurt now that didn't hurt when I was young.
I may not understand why but I want to hold hope as I try to let go.

I wrote something just in May that seems to be the closest description of my heart over this past year. here it is=====

In the death of hope I want to blame You.
While some are looking forward to something
...waiting for the dawn of a new day...
my heart seems empty.
Something along the way strangled joy from my soul . . .
and I haven't been able to find the root.
A locked metal box of crap lies within,
scared to open, to see the rotted pieces,
Although, someday it must be uncovered and I don't hold the key.

If I don't open up to let Him search my heart,
this emptiness will only grow.

So take these burdens.
Lighten the heaviness that weighs on my chest.
Unpeel these stressed hands.
Bring peace in the dark
and remove the dreams that keep the night from being sound.

When these memories haunt me,
lies begin to drown me.

My mouth can speak the truth ..
..but it remains distant from within.

I can't seem to wait for night to arrive
But I wish morning was farther.
Can I please wake when it's over?

I look down and everything needs to change.
All I see are knots I can't undo,
and clouds full of rain.
All I can do is surrender
but I keep fighting the wrong fight.

Radiance was once seen
But tears washed it away.
Joy was once within
But lies have blacked it out
I once saw tomorrow
and now I see tonight.
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sad i know. but sometimes thats all thats within. i added this because i am better then i was when i wrote this, granted i still have these feelings. they just aren't all the time like they were.
something is going on in me and around me and change is on the horizon. .
a change that really could go any direction it pleased and i don't want to hold the decisions.
the thing that has just been circling and circling my brain since yesterday morning is the lack of obedience i have had with God. and i find it most in the small things.. like what i should be doing throughout the day, what opportunities i should be taking, what i should share or hold in, what i should focus on or not focus on. and bigger then that is my lack of prayer in general. taking God for granted is something i've fallen into and i'm afraid i'm very ashamed of that.
not to be a grace-taker but man i'm grateful to be forgiven and constantly redeemed.
"Someone come and save my life.." -City and Colour.

aside from God, writing cleanses me more then most things. the sunset used to be that for me. living in california you can 90% guarantee the sunset and that was a mandatory date i had everyday. i would process the whole day and gaze at God's amazing creation. it never seemed to blow my mind.
i haven't found that here yet. ya there's sunsets but getting to the right place is a slight hassle and they just aren't the same. (pollution*wink*wink).
someday.
...when your body wants to run but your heart wants to stay...

man these past two days have been slightly bleh. and now the weekend is over.