California I miss you.

I re-arranged my room today.
I also cleaned the inside of my car.
Then I did laundry.
But there was something about cleaning the inside of my car that made me feel quite refreshed. I've kinda been going and going since mid-April and so has my car. And there are days where, on the inside, I can't seem to put a finger on where it is exactly, that I live. All that to say, I haven't been spending anytime on me. Today I did that.
I also have not been painting. Everyday it crosses my mind. Everday I look at the multiple unfinished canvas' and blank ones and I walk by with my head down. I just have to come to realize that there are times my heart can't handle painting whats inside. And usually these times are times I can be creative in other ways .. . . like .. .. writing. Although I crave to paint and have a lot to get out, I fear what will end up on the canvas.
This current season I have been trudging through has left me feeling very strongly about desiring a fresh start. But a fresh start that erases all thats behind. But it won't erase and I can't undo.
I've never felt so.. burdensome to others..
The people we're closest to are the ones that see our worst and our best and these past days I've never felt like more of a burden to them. This feeling makes me want to find a cave. I know there's good and bad about me, and I see where I need to change, but the situations that have happened have been spotlighting my faults. And not only spotlighting them but causing me to feel horrible. I almost feel ashamed to be me.
Maybe silence and solitude can clear this up.

In the past it was times like this that caused me to run away and move to a new place because sometimes, going where no one knows you lets you show your best self where pain hasn't manifested yet.
But that was the past.