Seasons don't always change when you want them to.

In less than a month it will be a year since last July. The time when everything that had been falling apart in me would start to destroy little parts of my life one by one.
Why is it that when you think you have learned a hard life lesson, that when you go through it again you make the same mistakes? Suffer the same pain, the same consequences.
I must say that this time it was worse then prior lessons because yes, I had "learned" them already.
"I've been up for days, tryin to find a way, to write this confession down. Seems every line I writes a mess, at least this I'll admit, for what I've done I am not proud. There's no need to pretend, no need for innocence, I've got to be honest now.." (City and Colour)..
I have never had a harder year of my life then this past one starting in July. I can't begin to say how much I have spun around in my head all the ways it happened because it all started with me.
There was a time where my first love was God and He was what my life revolved around. I was protected, in a way, by the people and lifestyle that surrounded me but I don't want to use that as an excuse as to why I can't say this is true to my life now or the past year.
I was a camp-counselor last July (the second week) thinking that my lack of prayer and focus on my life around God would sustain me through it. But the lack just brought me down and that was the start of breaking down.
Not too much sooner I had thrown myself into a new church. The fault on my part was not using discernment, prayer, or listening to my best friend about if it was a good decision to throw myself into it. I was too busy self-seeking.
I also had this grand idea that I should go be the top dog animator for Pixar and that the only place I could go to school at was in California. The problem with this is that, ya that would be rad because I am in LOVE with animation, BUT the reality was that wasn't the dream that was placed in my heart. The problem is that my dream had so many facets to it that I couldn't pin point what it looked like integrated.
For a while I had failed at being humble and honest with God, and especially not listening. I'm still trying to cope with how self-seeking I was.
July was the month I chose to destruct every good relationship in my life and I clung to one's I didn't trust and who weren't there to steer me in the right direction. That's what I was taught, to push away those you love, especially when they love you back because I didn't believe I deserved love. I still struggle.
These relationships aren't mended yet and it hurts every day.
I've never shed more tears then I have this past year. I think that from November until April I cried every single day. I got used to "cry face" -as Lia would call it.
I've never had so many days I didn't want to live through. I couldn't wait for the day to end but more than that didn't want anything to do with the next day. I would pray for God to just take my life. I couldn't bare the pain anymore and I had never felt more isolated and alone and the problem with this amount of sadness is that you cannot get yourself out of it. It's not easy to call someone or go over to a friends. I needed to be pulled out and I didn't know how to let God do His job in me.
But He used my best friends. The person I did the most destruction to was the one there to pull me out every single day.
Not only do I have a hard time dealing with the pain I caused but for them to have grace.. ..
God has given us the ability to give what He has freely given but its too easy to say and so hard to do.. especially when that person has hurt you.
I'm still sad. I still cry. I still don't want to wake up some days but I am trying so hard to trust Him. I pray for healing but the hard thing is that it is a slow process and a process that asks for extreme patience and perseverance that is hard to find when your at your lowest.
Good things have come of this and I see a lot that went wrong but I am still not at a place to say that I don't regret this year. You never know how long consequences will last but when these end I'm sure I'll feel more free and hopefully more healed.
Hope is hard for some and easy for others and it's something I don't see most days.
But I must say that I am HOPING for this pain to end and for it to just be a memory, a learning experience, a hard season of life.
There are a lot of things that I don't do enough of like pray, love, hope, have joy, or strive for selflessness... but I am trying. Trying to let God give me the energy to do this and be the clay in the Potter's hands.