The more beautiful you become....

At this point in life I have decided to not let my sleep issue madden me. I've very much been going through a bad sleep spurt. It's annoying, it makes me tired, I could let it turn me into a butthead... but I decided a while ago that letting a lack of sleep ruin my opportunity for life was worthless and probably made other's day worse then mine. It's 1:30 I am not tired, have a lot on my mind and have to wake at 6:40 and I am set out to have a good day tomorrow.
I am starting to major in things I used to minor in and shift around things in my life. Not to make anything more or less important but just trying to cover it all and really find a clear mind. I think the past few years was a season of facing giants for me and I made the mistake of making certain decisions with negative consequences in an unhealthy mind state. The leaves have since turned a bright orange.
I can't seem to keep up with my processing and it seems that everything inside wants to be processed now and fast. It's a mixed feeling, amazing but tiresome. I can't seem to get it all processed. Good thing time exists.
I feel more teachable then I have been fir a while. I think I wasn't extending myself to be taught, recently, because I didn't seem to find very many that I found worth to learn from, which does not mean there isn't worth for another.
I have a heavy heart and it's a healthy heavy heart.
The desire for intimacy and freedom to be vulnerable cries within but knowing that being vulnerable is very nude, stretching, ugly at times... Ect stops me in my path. But the larger thing that stops me Is the fact that I don't jump until you jump. There is a gray area in that but I know that I am a protected of my heart before I'm a jumper. I clearly am aware of why that is but that doesn't mean it is an easy thing to change or even something I want to tackle.
Throughout these adult years I feel like I have to narrow into to 2 or 3 parts me of me to tackle and find freedom from that is a result of my life. I found that if I look at all the fixed layers inside then I instantly overwhelm and shut down to even trying. Not a fun path to to walk. So I learned that lesson and have committed to not allowing myself to look at all in one sitting. With that said, it takes a lot of time. More then I always plan or expect. Expectations are a premeditated disappointment.
I truly believe that we only flourish more beautifully as we swim deeply with others but somewhere along the way find it safe to feel ugly within that vulnerability. The truth is that we are only really ugly to ourselves.
Pain is the seed of growth and seeing our deepest layers can be very painful.
More is within but I actually think that sleep might find me...