As much as I wanted Frankie and love him it is very clear to me that maybe this just wasn't the proper timing.
I say this for a few large reasons.
1. He was so ill and had way too many health problems from age 2months-5 months and cost me more money than any animal ever should.
2. He is very problematic.
3. Same as above. He is just too problematic.

I am so tired and stressed from Frankie all I have battled in my head this month has been "should I get rid of him or keep him?"
We went to training classes, I've worked with him every day, I've spent time socializing him with both people and dogs, I take him running hiking or on a walk EVERY DAY and he still has serous problems.
The thought of spending another 500$+ dollars for training just makes me sick. I have absolutely no patience for him and am angry with him most of the time.
I feel like there is no hope and I have no energy.
Tonight ended in tears at how much he was acting up.
HE HAS THE BEST FUCKING LIFE and all he does is act up.
I'm so sick of hearing everyone say "he's a puppy hes a puppy" because I know hes a puppy but he also has serous problems that shouldn't be happening.
And the worst part is that at the same time I love the little guy. He can be really sweet.
I'm so utterly upset about this I'm just at my wits end.
I made a decision to go to the humane society tomorrow and ask about my options because I can't do this anymore. He is sucking my life away and it isn't ok.

On another note my heart still hurts and somehow I need to accept the past events and let myself move on.

What an upsetting week. Well frankie has made it upsetting.
Any suggestions??

I am so utterly loved by Frankie it's overwhelming.
No one is more excited when I come home or can't stand being away from me. I'm pretty sure he doesn't get sick of me either.

I need to consider myself lucky.. or fortunate for a better term.

There are a lot of things that I don't understand right now.
That feel left open and stuck. It's extremely uncomfortable and there are no solutions.
I feel like I am walking on broken glass that I broke. Hesitant to move, scared to love, scared to even feel..
Actions can be so loud and painful.
and i know that mine can be too.

I'm not sure whether to scream or cry and I know that screaming is a branch of anger and anger takes the place of pain but really, I should be embracing the pain. BUT how do you really embrace pain I mean c'mon the last thing I want to do is hold pain tight.

I lost 3 days this weekend to poor choices. I don't make poor choices very often but I guess I was really repressed from stuff.

I wish I had a space heater.

I think this is enough for tonight. I just needed a small relief.

Why I love Frankie:
-his facial expressions
-when he yawns he makes a squeaky sound
-he is so wiggly and happy
-he's good at being active and keeping me active
-he LOVES learning more then most things
-he's a walking garbage disposal
-AND he loves me no matter what no exceptions.

Sometimes in the midst of rough seasons reminders of love help to keep going. I really needed this because I've been so trapped in my own head I've become overwhelmed by Frankie. I have a lot of hope that he will be a good dog. He's only 7mos.

Other subjects...

I have a lot I want to share but lack the vulnerability to do so. I think this part is when I would only hand write it in a journal. The thought of releasing this thought into the wild makes me feel like I stand alone.
So.. I shall keep some things to myself.

Today was a good day.
Distractions were experienced and enjoyed.
The sun was out.

I'm adjusting to new balance.
Trying to find the open slots in my schedule.

I'm having a friend's thanksgiving that actually makes me really excited, even if only 2 people. Om

I dreamt about you.
I was trying to find you in a huge house. Almost like the one on the beach in Spotless Mind.
I saw you in each room I looked but when I got close you were gone... Over and over..
I woke up realizing it was a dream but then knowing it was also reality except I can't even see you.

It's confirmed you lied.
An addiction of itself.
It's confirmed that my hopes and dreams are worthless and should have died when you left.
I want to wish I never met you and I can't find why I dont.

I picture mysf erasing the past months. Almost as though I had the end of a pencil and was erasing the last two pages of a book being written. Once erased the pages are blank but not fresh and crisp.. You can still see the wear.
Just like me..
Erasing life doesn't exist.
It just makes me think about the Spotless Mind.. The beauty of that script. Two people erasing immense pain from each other and once they do fate still draws them together.

I wonder what it's like to feel whole.
And how many people actually do..

I still don't know why I have abandoned handwritten journals for my blog except for the fact that sometimes typing is just faster then writing.
I like this blog. It also doesn't run out of paper or stack up on my bookshelf.
I don't share everything but it is sufficient.

I'm buying Frankie private training lessons with someone who is extremely knowledgeable about pitbulls. At first I couldn't imagine spending more money then I thought about the long run and how good this really will be.

..........
I still haven't heard from you.
I don't know what I did for you to not write back or call. Not even give me the time of day. Somehow miles between us caused you to forget about me.
It's very apparent that I'm not important to you.
The biggest problem I have with this is that it is so fucking unfair of you to show yourself to me as someone you aren't.
Not even close to the person I see now. My gut trusted you. And my heart. I don't come by that everyday and when I do it is so important to me so this, for now, is the biggest mystery in my life and honestly I am beyond sick of trying to not think about I because all it does is haunt my blood.
It isn't just thoughts running around in my head it's affecting my whole body.
I won't let this happen again.

The memories are like shadows
The light won't let them disappear.

I wish I knew why.
Abandonment.
The word used to describe what you've done.
Makes sense.
Leave someone with no return and fill them with lies.
And you're ok with it which leads me to realize that you're a fake.
A fucking fake.
Well turns out that I have enough fake in my life.
Fuck you.

I know it's been raining on you.

It's been pouring for a month now.
The way I felt driving away is haunting me.
The way you wiped my tears that last day and told me to just call you.
This love that was found is now shattered on the ground.
I look at the pieces every day thinking maybe I will find the right glue today..
or maybe.. it will find me.
Nothing has hurt more then that stupid four letter word. L.O.V.E.
"it is better to love then to never love."
Who the fuck said that anyways?
It's bullshit.
The pain of a broken heart is so unbearable that I would rather not allow love.

I want so badly to say that I hate you.
That I wish I never met you.
That you didn't make a huge dent in my heart, who I am, how I view life...

But the fucking problem is that all I think about is the next time we will talk.
If life has enough grace to shed on me to allow it.
So far love has only served me pain.
Night after night of haunting heartache.
Now I lie here drowning in tears and the memory of you..
A ghost.