....not by my own strength...

Today at school my students were 98% productive. That means that all but 3 of them finished all of their work. This kind of day happens only 5 times a school-year (they're year round).
I work at a school that some might call special needs or alternative but the reality is that it is the last resort for a kid to be able to gain an education but the thing they gain more than that is people caring for them.
Most of them are mentally ill which makes them extremely unstable. I am still very much on the fence about mental illness, medicine and how God might feel or say about all of this but I do notice a change when these kids aren't on the medicine. On the flip side.. there medicine does not cure them by any means. Only attempts to stabilize them.
Out of the 40 kids that attend this school there are probably only about 10 that have their real parents caring for them and usually it is only one of them.
The neglect and trauma these kids have gone through is so heavy its utterly heartbreaking. The first few weeks of work I couldn't get this job out of my head. I would get off work, keep it together and do my own thing until I laid down at night. Then everything I saw and heard at work would replay in my head almost haunting me and I could not clear my thoughts. Then I would dream all night about it.
The worst part is that I would be happy about the weekend but on Saturday's I would completely have a breakdown like I would see the kids have during the week.

Things are better now. Much better. At this moment I feel like I am coping well but I never really know until time has passed the full manifestation of all of this.
These kids are tough. On a daily basis we get spit on, sworn at, assaulted, threatened, challenged, and most days we have to restrain kids.
Never have I shook so much from adrenaline than I have at this job. I think with time that part will become more calm and I will become more confident and comfortable but when a kid is throwing a desk or other object at you, your first instinct is to run. But we can't run.
I very much feel insanely blessed to have this job. I love those kids and what keeps me going is that our school is the not only the best and safest part of their day, but it could possibly be the best season of their life and I am apart of that.
I've always wanted to give my heart to underprivileged kids and here I am doing it.
.. not by my own strength..