expression of heart comes out when the bottom is found..

I got a massage today and it was great. It was great to lay down and breathe everything out even though I'm laying on someone's table, mostly naked, and very vulnerable. Now I just need to find a way to do that when I lay my head down at night.

I wrote this a while ago.. I blamed God for consequences and hurts and now this time has passed I am ready to share it =
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The expression of heart comes out when the bottom is found.
I'm afraid I've reached the bottom
..rust and mold are starting to grow.
waiting
waiting
starving for love to return
first chance.. second chance
renewed
and love who won't love back.
How is that fair?
How is that what You wanted for us?
and for it to be ok?
It wasn't.
But its what it is so why can't You fix it?

I once believed you were the Ultimate Healer
but as time has passed living life with You
my heart has only sunk
and this void has only grown
and whether I shut the blinds and sleep or live out the day
...on the inside I'm drowning
...and my capacity to care about tomorrow is aging.

Why can't we all just move on in Love?
L O V E love.

Instead we jab at each other
remain mad
resentful
stop communicating
withhold love
become selfish
believe the lies..
Oh the lies that leave us drunk with pain.
Sing to me a lullaby of love gone right
and a hope filled night
as You take my hand
and drop the past
and look ahead with another chance.

This fine line of a tight grip to finding the break of surrender.
If only I could be more of who my heart wishes..
I wasn't 'this' when You sought me out.
I surrendered, embraced, walked proudly blindfolded, let Your truth fill my cracks.
And sin not dealt with leads to a life of consequences and lingering pain.
I want to believe I've been living.. .. but would need to wear a mask.
A sunken heart can only ask for a hand.

The painful stings of right gone wrong
...or an illusion of what you thought was right.
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I wrote this months ago. A time where I didn't care to try, didn't care about much. And now that I share it I almost feel like I need to cover myself due to the amount of vulnerability.
I do think about those sweet times I first met God. The times where it truly seemed like something in my heart and blew it up with a love I had never tasted. I know its there somewhere but the consequences of my mistakes, then avoidance of dealing with things suffocated me. I hate that I did that but I'm not going to be stuck anymore.
I haven't quite been able to pinpoint the time over these past months that I started to care where my life was going again but I'm thankful its back. The worst part is that I felt like I had no control over getting it back again.
I now see things on the horizon and am excited for them again where before I forgot what that felt like. It's scary how blind we can be sometimes. And how much lies can steal joy.
I do not want to regress. at all.
I want to move forward.
I know there will be days I will have to embrace pain.. or maybe they'll just be moments (I hope the latter) and that's ok because the reality is that its a feeling and the choice to move forward is there.
I wish I could paint the picture of a loosened, surrendered grip.. but it would never turn out the way I see it.
Thats the hard part about being an artist: what I see inside isn't what my hand can always get out. But the good side is that those are the pictures I have that can't be shared because I don't want to share everything. And these are the pictures that never leave me and are fully finished.
I've wanted to paint for days now -- let me clarify--I've wanted to express my own self through painting not just paint murals and such.
I know that I will need a day to do so and be ok with my heart and thoughts and what needs to come out.
Oh how I wish I could have those sweet times alone on the beach watching the sun meet the horizon. Maybe some day.
Big battles lie within and all I want to do is surrender and be carried by the wind.