So here I lie confused and completely upset at one person..
I see what I "should do" but the battle still lies inside me.
I should walk away.
I hate ABSOLUTELY hate how complicated life can be.
And you never know the outcome of actions
Or other's actions/reactions.


I walked away. I'm at home. The first time I've done that. And as much as I needed to do that- I had a private fit in the car and am deeply upset alone.
Being considerate and loving sucks. It's a hard job.
And some people just aren't.

I went to bed so content last night
Woke up not noticing how I felt
Went to yoga
And it was after yoga I saw a decline on my level of content/happiness.
I couldnt pinpoint what was going on.
Somehow I have to deal or find a way to let it pass unemotionally.

............
Its 4am. Good night

The new sheets and pillow I bought have made a positive difference. Soft and comfy. And as I lie here with my candle glowing... I really couldnt be more content. I feel full in a non food way- I feel lOve for Once- I feel hope- ... These are good and rare for me. So with that said, it's a good night.
It's 3:08am. On my way home from work I stopped to buy a peanut butter snickers bar. Every once in a while ya gotta get a candy bar.

Frankie is doing well. Pretty pleased.
That's all I got before I fall asleep..

Here, I lie in bed with candle light..::.. Serenity I look for often.
Today was Monday- or 2.5 hours ago was- and it was an extreme emotion day. I went from waking up refreshed, to a super fatigued body, to boredom to complete upset.
Ughhhhhhh

"I like you a lot and want to invest time into you."

Fear is present more then usual.
The past is long gone, the future is unseen, so therefore I only have the present. And if I only have the present then all I can do is accept and be.
Courage is opposite of fear but the problem with my fear is that courage doesn't seem to fit that opposite correctly. So is it fear?
Tonight during the emotional detox I re learned and discovered more inside myself.
1. Fear is the prominent emotion I feel, almost underlying.
2. I such down from emotions rather than express and repression is definitely a part of that.
3. I will forever have to work on myself.

I like you a lot and also want to invest time in you as well.

So to catch up from the last entry....
Frankie is in week 2 of school! He's doing great although there is still a lot to work on. Like anything else it takes time and consistency.

Lately I have been faced with or reminded of things in my character or personality that I must not turn my face from.
They're somewhat upsetting considering the fact that every outside source in life is hard enough to deal with so when the inside source (yourself) is hard to deal with, then it's probably time to get serious.
I'm not in an utter state of vulnerability to where I want to elaborate on everything I see. BUT there are a few I know of that I need to write out and ease the tension a little.
I have extremes about me. I get attached too easily or not at all. I am sweet as can be or not at all.
I look around and there are people that have such mellow sweet energy towards everyone that I wish I possessed more of that. But then I face situations where nothing in me trusts the other person and cant be that sweet person that is covered with fear and shell.
Maybe it's good..
Recently I have found myself attaching and I think I do need to be more careful and stand back in a place where it'll be ok no matter the outcome. I don't usually have that outlook but right now, with the events this past year, I think that is most wise for my heart.
My heart, I have found, is extremely fragile. I have tough skin and constantly hear how strong I am but that doesn't disregard the fact that my heart just can't handle pain like others. It sucks and causes me to become very on guard and fearful but I'm not sure what to do about it.

focus on one at a time...