Help, I have done it again.
I have been here many times before.
And the worse part is there's no one else to blame.
I have lost myself again.
I have lost myself and I feel unsafe.
I am no where to be found
.. and I think I might break.

A coma might feel better then this.
Attempting to discover where to begin.
You're weighed down, you're full of something.
Of sickness and desertion.

So say goodbye to love
there's no need to rush
we're all just waiting to die.

hoping a better place is all i need..
when you're underneath it all.

all you're friends seem like enemies
when you're broken down and empty.

hello again

it's been a while since i have visited you.
no reason aside from not taking time to write.
i do know that i need this.
i need a lot..
and it's hard to admit.
hard to look at.
but most of all i need you.
you know who you are if you could read this.
and the sad thing is that you won't read this.
not only because you can't but it's not a part of your day.

.l.o.v.e.
you are possibly the hardest part to this life no matter how you are approached or used.
there are times where i wish i didn't love but i know deep down that you are the most beautiful part of this world.
the one thing i ask that will never be answered is why is love ripped away? and when it is why so painfully?
it's unbearable. absolutely unbearable.
the sadness and fog that enter an absent heart is like non other.
and all this time we have this facade that love happens in the movies. there may be some hurdles and distress but love always wins.
not in this life.
not when you pull your face away from the script and your eyes away from the lens.

within the first hour i met you.. you said to me "when you find love and have love nothing else matters." and you picked up the cash on the bar and tossed it "money doesn't matter."
but here we are looking at the exact opposite of that first night in the candlelight.
love is last.
now for me that makes sense for fragility that love should be last.
especially when it's unbearable to watch it fly away.

don't forget me.

It can be so empty.
Quiet.

But I just want to be alone tonight

And I sill miss you.

Because Faith is Real.

It is comforting to know that sorrow stays only for the night and then it takes it's leave in the morning. And a thunderstorm is very brief compared to a long summer day.

Never send.

No good truth would come if this was handed to someone.
So here is the letter I want to officially write but never will as follows=
"Hi. Can you please be honest. I see that it's hard for you. Maybe if you started with being honest with yourself you'll find how free it is. Let go.
The worst part is that you don't realize the reality of this. You want to be this person, this way but you aren't. At least not yet. So in the meantime, make it a little easier on everyone if you could be honest with yourself. "

There. Done. G'night.

but i do

.I.wish.I.didn't.care.

somuch

It's easy to forget how sad I am about something until it's talked about.
I was reminded of that tonight.
The time spent on earth will be broken time and I wish I could say that things didn't bring me down. I wish that I could say I grasped the fullness of eternity and how small today is. How small life is.
At the end of the day I'm happy about where I am, in a personal way.
I can say that right now, age 26, I am only able to enjoy life more and more as the days start and end. I learn more each day and not that I haven't been learning every day of my life, but now the awareness and desire is present and active. My philosophy of life is worked through and sorted out more and more with each day. My awareness of who I am and where I want to go, in any manner, is only becoming more visible. The "innocence" of the world becomes less and less the goggles I look through and is slowing melting away. Not to say everything is bad - I just notice it more then I did. To enjoy the small things in life and find ways to bring joy is a gift.
So life continues and sometimes it just seems like too much happens in one day.

I was out of character today. I quit my job today. Didn't give notice. Wrote a professional letter giving reason.
I feel like a new woman even though that wasn't my usual method to uphold integrity.
G'night.

I think I'm safer on a jetplane
Then a world without love.
......................................

Well the foot I broke 3 years ago has been acting up. Bummed. It's swollen and mad but I've been icing it like crazy and hoping it calms down soon. I ran barefoot on the beach and I that was when I ran wrong or something :/ .

I bought another can of SprayPaint yesterday. I now own 6 colors. I couldn't smile bigger. I finished a piece of art today and tomorrow will be done with another.

This weekend I went job hunting. I don't like job hunting. But I like it more then my current job. Thinking about going to work tomorrow is lame but at the same time I want to keep a good attitude because I don't know how long I have to stay here.

It has been cold here in Santa Barbara! Today it poured. The difference in rain from here to Seattle is not only how much. It pours here when it rains and in Seattle it rains softly or sprinkles for days.

God... Have you fallen asleep..

The memory of losing you
You're like a ghost


I wish you were listening
To get through it.

We Are All Forgotten...

Is there anyone left who will understand
I'm made of flesh and bone
....
Have I lost my faith in you?
Have we all forgotten too?
Don't you break my heart again
...............................................................................................

I haven't written lately. Just haven't really taken the time I guess. I feel like my last post was pretty sufficient for how I've felt for a while.
Right now I am drinking what me and my brother call Crack Tea. All it is is Jasmine Green tea but the buzz is high. And I'm sitting in bed and I have the book I'm reading next to me, which has been quite a lovely book so far.
I told my boss I wasn't working today =D
I'm publicly admitting that I HATE MY JOB. I know.. Lane. I just changed jobs too sothat just sucks. But I was hired as a nanny and I'm far from a nanny. Not only am I the dirt my boss walks on but I'm also their maid. I do ALL of their dishes, laundry and cleaning. She even writes lists of closets she wants me to organize. Oh and did I mention she doesn't want to be a mom but wants the social status of a perfect family. So my question is: why does having kids make you the perfect family?
So she has a nanny so she can BS all day. That would consist of playing on the Internet, shopping, going out to eat and coffee, going to the gym. Seriously what can you do 40 hours a week that doesn't involve working towards anything?
Ok ok my rant is done. And yes there are good things in my life.
I saw my brother for thanksgiving and that was fabulous. And art is the heartbeat of my soul. I applied at tattoo shops! That's kind of big news for me... It's quite intimidating. But I figured I might as well get myself out there considering I love it and am good at it.
Well my book is taunting me..

THERE'S MORE TIMES
THAN NOT
THAT YOU'RE AS
REAL AS CAN BE.

BUT THERE'S MORE QUESTIONS
THAT CAN'T BE ANSWERED
THAT MURDERS MY BELIEF

. . . .

Paper Route

I still believe that change can happen though it's hard and it happens slowly..
I still believe forgiveness comes with love and God when it watches over me..
If we've all forgotten you?
Are we all forgotten too?

Don't you break my heart

Again..

Hello Hurricane

Ive wanted to lie in bed all day today and finally now at 10:30pm I have arrived at my destination.
I'm too tired for details.
Basically I am sad, scared, drained, and happy all in one.

You turn every head....

.... but you don't see me.

Passion....

I thought I found you.
I was wrong.
You only taught me and lead me to the right direction.
Now I can't get enough of you.
I feel a fuller filling that I haven't experienced.

I've never felt so alive; awakened.
And you won't leave.

The insecurities that once held me back do not exist in this element.
The fear of rejection won't find me.
The search is over and now the journey facing challenge begins.

...time...

I have more going on inside then I have energy to write or even guts to spill. These things that are creeping around in my head and heart seem scary to open up about because the level of vulnerability I need to have. So I'll just say that my heart is aching. I'm happy and excited to see what the future holds. I'm embracing the challenge to face and work on myself more and more. I have made healthy commitments to myself that I actually desire to keep. But aside from all these things my heart hurts. No one ever likes a hurt heart. Hurting from things that just takes time. And I don't want to wait. But I want to enjoy each day. Confused?

Blah.

I saw Dr. Drew tonight at the Arlington Theater. It was fantastic and I learned a lot in 2 hours. I met him and took pictures!! What a nerdy fan I am!!

I tweet.

Yes it's true. I have a twitter account. About a year ago I made an account strictly for art. It has done me well. I follow art happenings and they follow me! I can promote like crazy which I love. The problem is that I forget about it all the time. Ive been better lately. I really enjoy following Jim Carrey on there, he is quite a character.

I must have a really old layout of blogger because I don't have the "upload picture" button and it kinda sucked. There are photos worth sharing on here!! Oh well. Maybe it's my phone.

I just spent 5 mintues trying to kill a mesquite. I think I was successful. I have ears for those suckers and I laid here questioning if my ear was ringing and it wasn't! What is the purpose (outside of spreading disease) for mesquites?

I'm sleeping in tomorrow. Three more days left of this current job =).
A lot of change since august. It takes an average 30 days to adjust to change.

Clear the air..

So to clarify my disappointment of the Halloween weekend (since I was too tired to detail last night) is that I LOVE HALLOWEEN! And.. I did not do anything festive at all concerning Halloween. What is that about? The original plan was to go up north to Santa Cruz, dress like a banana, and party with my brother. Didn't happen. And I thought that I would still have a festive Halloween without SC, the banana, and my brother.. but it was just a typical weekend. Actually it was the most relaxed uneventful weekend I've had so far in SB.
It's ok. I'm over it now. BUT.. I love Halloween too much to let that happen again. I don't love it enough to see IV though. :/
Case of the mondays is over. =) for today.
This is my last week at this current job and also the last week I will ever play "princess" again. Thank God! No more playing the role of Ursula. So over the barbie princess scream all the time cuz I'm a little girl thing. I love kids.. but not these things.
Bah I have kind of a lot to write about but instead of sitting here taking the time to do so I am off to read =). I started a new book today.
I also haven't fully thought through what I feel like sharing on here or not sharing. There used to be a point where it didn't matter the level of vulnerability I was sharing on here but something changed. Hmm.

Thanks guys.

Rant=
Non-blinker users: you are the epitome of lazy if you can't use your blinker. It's mere respect of every other driver. You non users possibly madden when you rum across other non-blinkers.
There it is. My rant.

This weekend was disappointing. At this time of the night and at the end of the weekend; I not only feel stupid. I don't want to go into detail I just want to drop it. Time. Thanks for being unpredictable about when!

Pinky Swear?

Be honest with yourself before you try to be honest with others. This isn't easy and it's easy to miss stuff.
This "honesty" business has been circling my mind lately. I want to be completely honest with my life. It's almost mind blowing how hard of a task this is for some people and not even that but it's not even a thought. I hope to only give honesty.

It's Saturday today. I've had so far what some call a lane weekend. Last night I painted from 6pm until 10pm and was much needed. This morning I went to the market, painted some more, and now babysitting for a couple hours. Tonight I'm playing it by ear. I haven't felt fun to be around this week because I was feeling slightly drained and it's not fun to give people only 50% of you. I want to give 100%.
This weeks looking good so far.
Happy Halloween!

Have you noticed?

"I wish that my smile was your favorite smile.. I wish my style was your favorite style.. Actually I wish that you just loved me. All I know is that you're the nicest thing I've ever seen and I wish we could see if we could be something. " -kate Nash
This is a select few lyrics I heard on a song tonight.at first I thought how sad to sing about. Then I thought that a lot of people feel like that. Then I thought that a deep desire amongst many is not just to be noticed but be noticed by one; the kind of noticing where you're all thy see. The deeper part is love. The "simple" most complicated word. So much more then a word.
I'm very impressed by music. People's hearts are cut open for all to experience through music. I struggle with art shows because when all of my paintings are on display I feel like my heart is hung in front of me and I have no grasp. So.. Thank you musicians for sharing deeper parts of your heart.

......................
I have received a lot of genuine, positive feedback about my character. It's been nice to see how others view me because I was slightly at a loss to know. I want to uphold a positive touch to others when we cross paths.
I don't like a piece of the head space I've been swimming in. Time is always failfhdul to resolve.

Layers.

I want heels to be more apart of my every day life. I have always loved them but never took the time to stock up with them. So now I will start to stock up on them.. I really like shoes! There have been a couple situations where some asshole chose to give me negative comments while I had heels on. I am upset I ever let it affect me. Now I say screw you.
I had a small asthma attack/breathing dilemma a week ago whe running and haven't really been the same since. I think I just need to rest my lungs. I attempted a run today but couldn't finish.

I've had a lot on my mind/heart lately. One thing is that as hard as it is to share what we see as ugliness about ourselves, I find it to be the most beautiful thing about a person. In the past 2 months I have heard A LOt of people's story and deeper layers. It's something that usually happens often but it's been quite compacted lately.
Off to bed but maybe I'll writeabout love.

6 minute bagel stop.

If I do not have the 6.5 minutes it takes to melt the butter and put cream cheese on a toasted bagel that I ordered on-the-go.. then it's just not worth it. Otherwise I wear all the crumbs, the butter either does not melt or get used, and how am I supposed to drive a manual and do all that?
I decided this yesterday at 7:30am just shortly after buying my bagel.

I pass the road to my house every time I come from the Goleta side and still can't seem to slow down appropriately to turn from the 154 side.
Last night I saw a mountain lion. I was shocked.. I even checked photos online to make sure it was for real. I also reported because I think thats what you do when Irwin a residential area.
Today I saw dolphins while on my run. It was really neat. They were so close to shore and just looked utterly peaceful swimming in and out of the baby waves. I also saw a couple's Public Display of Affection while rolling around in the sand. Lovely. Shortly after an old guy was walking down the shore with his murse (man purse) wearing a too-tight thong that was Hawaiian flower themed. I know.. I accidentally noticed.
So I'm starting to seriously consider eye surgery.since I don't qualify for Lasix the surgery I can get is very intense and last I heard it isn't the most recommended procedure. But my contacts are really getting to me more and more. We'll see.
I am so tired and have drawings to do bu felt the urge to write this randomness inside me. I have deeper heart matters to express but in due time...

I think I might have inhaled you...

You've gotten into my bloodstream.

I've made a choice to walk through life allowing myself to live deeply with others. With this choice comes vulnerability, trust, unconditional love, patience, heartache.. The list goes on. Pain. Pain is a part of life. I also think it's the seed of growth I'd you press forward.
This decision is a hard road to walk down but I know that I won't regret it, I know I'll look back (as I already do) and have a heart full of thanks.
Now this road walking deeply also isn't just with anyone, I do think through people, situations, heart status...

Its Sunday morning and I don't want Monday to come. I am giving my two weeks notice today as I have found a job I see as a better fit in more ways than one. I am still processing how I will execute giving my two weeks and am slightly anxious about it.

Yesterday I was lost in the mountanside labyrinth of Santa Barbara for 3o minutes. Probably the most stressful thing if my week. I know the locals understand the twisting, turning , backwards, up and downs of this mountainside... BUT I still dont. And it all looks the same. And after a while I can't tell if I am going up, down east west. I mean who designed that labyrinth? After I found my way out I did not proceed to my destination, I came home and recovered by taking a nap. Oh wait.. First I though that it mint be refreshing to eat a pineapple guava which tasted like a bottle of bad perfume. Last time I do that.

Zzz.

I think tonight is the night sleep will find me. I was so utterly exhausted today that when I tried to take a nap I slightly dozed for ten minutes. I am drunk tired now and it's 11. I don't work till 10am tomorrow which is beyond amazing.
(There's an animal on my deck at this very moment that made my heart drop from the noise it made.)

I had a good day. I felt really empowered today, really free. Then as the night came on I started to feel lonely. I had plans with people and followed through but I felt alone in a crowd which Is almost more upsetting. For ne it is at least. It always points back to a deeper reasons for feeling lonely.

Off to bed

The more beautiful you become....

At this point in life I have decided to not let my sleep issue madden me. I've very much been going through a bad sleep spurt. It's annoying, it makes me tired, I could let it turn me into a butthead... but I decided a while ago that letting a lack of sleep ruin my opportunity for life was worthless and probably made other's day worse then mine. It's 1:30 I am not tired, have a lot on my mind and have to wake at 6:40 and I am set out to have a good day tomorrow.
I am starting to major in things I used to minor in and shift around things in my life. Not to make anything more or less important but just trying to cover it all and really find a clear mind. I think the past few years was a season of facing giants for me and I made the mistake of making certain decisions with negative consequences in an unhealthy mind state. The leaves have since turned a bright orange.
I can't seem to keep up with my processing and it seems that everything inside wants to be processed now and fast. It's a mixed feeling, amazing but tiresome. I can't seem to get it all processed. Good thing time exists.
I feel more teachable then I have been fir a while. I think I wasn't extending myself to be taught, recently, because I didn't seem to find very many that I found worth to learn from, which does not mean there isn't worth for another.
I have a heavy heart and it's a healthy heavy heart.
The desire for intimacy and freedom to be vulnerable cries within but knowing that being vulnerable is very nude, stretching, ugly at times... Ect stops me in my path. But the larger thing that stops me Is the fact that I don't jump until you jump. There is a gray area in that but I know that I am a protected of my heart before I'm a jumper. I clearly am aware of why that is but that doesn't mean it is an easy thing to change or even something I want to tackle.
Throughout these adult years I feel like I have to narrow into to 2 or 3 parts me of me to tackle and find freedom from that is a result of my life. I found that if I look at all the fixed layers inside then I instantly overwhelm and shut down to even trying. Not a fun path to to walk. So I learned that lesson and have committed to not allowing myself to look at all in one sitting. With that said, it takes a lot of time. More then I always plan or expect. Expectations are a premeditated disappointment.
I truly believe that we only flourish more beautifully as we swim deeply with others but somewhere along the way find it safe to feel ugly within that vulnerability. The truth is that we are only really ugly to ourselves.
Pain is the seed of growth and seeing our deepest layers can be very painful.
More is within but I actually think that sleep might find me...

Ppsshh technology. Love hate.

Dumb computer. I just wrote a really great blog- by my standard- and lost it. Irritating. That is the kind of thing that really erks me. And the fact that it's raining really hard right now and thunder and lightning freak me out a lot.

Hearts are meant to love deeply.

I see the good. The good in people, the good in situations, the good in life. I'm not perfect at this "seeing good" thing all the time but I'm noticing this about myself and have also been told by people that I do so. I keep noticing that I'll tell someone how great someone else is and thT person always seems to respond with " yeah but.." and it just hurts me and sucks all at the same time because I dont think like that. I also dont want to think about the bad. I observe things and notice faults just like everyone else but it's not how I want to know a person. I thank my background/childhood for this.. Between moving around and not always fitting in and havingto start over a lot.. And other reasons I'm sure.
I also know that everywhere I go I hear peoples stories, where they're going, what they've done or are doing, their pains, joys, aspirations. I have this gift of listening ; but as someone brought it to light to me today they said that I have a very trusting presense about me that is non judging and desires to know. Which I think, for the most part, is very true. I deeply love, deeply hurt... The list goes on. This person reminded me today that I can leave these burdens with God because I carry a lot of peoples burdens. Which I do feel like we are called to do its just a matter of doing so in a healthy manner.
These past weeks have really been weeks of self reflection and spring cleaning.. Cleaning of my heAert and soul.