"I like you a lot and want to invest time into you."

Fear is present more then usual.
The past is long gone, the future is unseen, so therefore I only have the present. And if I only have the present then all I can do is accept and be.
Courage is opposite of fear but the problem with my fear is that courage doesn't seem to fit that opposite correctly. So is it fear?
Tonight during the emotional detox I re learned and discovered more inside myself.
1. Fear is the prominent emotion I feel, almost underlying.
2. I such down from emotions rather than express and repression is definitely a part of that.
3. I will forever have to work on myself.

I like you a lot and also want to invest time in you as well.

So to catch up from the last entry....
Frankie is in week 2 of school! He's doing great although there is still a lot to work on. Like anything else it takes time and consistency.

Lately I have been faced with or reminded of things in my character or personality that I must not turn my face from.
They're somewhat upsetting considering the fact that every outside source in life is hard enough to deal with so when the inside source (yourself) is hard to deal with, then it's probably time to get serious.
I'm not in an utter state of vulnerability to where I want to elaborate on everything I see. BUT there are a few I know of that I need to write out and ease the tension a little.
I have extremes about me. I get attached too easily or not at all. I am sweet as can be or not at all.
I look around and there are people that have such mellow sweet energy towards everyone that I wish I possessed more of that. But then I face situations where nothing in me trusts the other person and cant be that sweet person that is covered with fear and shell.
Maybe it's good..
Recently I have found myself attaching and I think I do need to be more careful and stand back in a place where it'll be ok no matter the outcome. I don't usually have that outlook but right now, with the events this past year, I think that is most wise for my heart.
My heart, I have found, is extremely fragile. I have tough skin and constantly hear how strong I am but that doesn't disregard the fact that my heart just can't handle pain like others. It sucks and causes me to become very on guard and fearful but I'm not sure what to do about it.

focus on one at a time...

As much as I wanted Frankie and love him it is very clear to me that maybe this just wasn't the proper timing.
I say this for a few large reasons.
1. He was so ill and had way too many health problems from age 2months-5 months and cost me more money than any animal ever should.
2. He is very problematic.
3. Same as above. He is just too problematic.

I am so tired and stressed from Frankie all I have battled in my head this month has been "should I get rid of him or keep him?"
We went to training classes, I've worked with him every day, I've spent time socializing him with both people and dogs, I take him running hiking or on a walk EVERY DAY and he still has serous problems.
The thought of spending another 500$+ dollars for training just makes me sick. I have absolutely no patience for him and am angry with him most of the time.
I feel like there is no hope and I have no energy.
Tonight ended in tears at how much he was acting up.
HE HAS THE BEST FUCKING LIFE and all he does is act up.
I'm so sick of hearing everyone say "he's a puppy hes a puppy" because I know hes a puppy but he also has serous problems that shouldn't be happening.
And the worst part is that at the same time I love the little guy. He can be really sweet.
I'm so utterly upset about this I'm just at my wits end.
I made a decision to go to the humane society tomorrow and ask about my options because I can't do this anymore. He is sucking my life away and it isn't ok.

On another note my heart still hurts and somehow I need to accept the past events and let myself move on.

What an upsetting week. Well frankie has made it upsetting.
Any suggestions??

I am so utterly loved by Frankie it's overwhelming.
No one is more excited when I come home or can't stand being away from me. I'm pretty sure he doesn't get sick of me either.

I need to consider myself lucky.. or fortunate for a better term.

There are a lot of things that I don't understand right now.
That feel left open and stuck. It's extremely uncomfortable and there are no solutions.
I feel like I am walking on broken glass that I broke. Hesitant to move, scared to love, scared to even feel..
Actions can be so loud and painful.
and i know that mine can be too.

I'm not sure whether to scream or cry and I know that screaming is a branch of anger and anger takes the place of pain but really, I should be embracing the pain. BUT how do you really embrace pain I mean c'mon the last thing I want to do is hold pain tight.

I lost 3 days this weekend to poor choices. I don't make poor choices very often but I guess I was really repressed from stuff.

I wish I had a space heater.

I think this is enough for tonight. I just needed a small relief.

Why I love Frankie:
-his facial expressions
-when he yawns he makes a squeaky sound
-he is so wiggly and happy
-he's good at being active and keeping me active
-he LOVES learning more then most things
-he's a walking garbage disposal
-AND he loves me no matter what no exceptions.

Sometimes in the midst of rough seasons reminders of love help to keep going. I really needed this because I've been so trapped in my own head I've become overwhelmed by Frankie. I have a lot of hope that he will be a good dog. He's only 7mos.

Other subjects...

I have a lot I want to share but lack the vulnerability to do so. I think this part is when I would only hand write it in a journal. The thought of releasing this thought into the wild makes me feel like I stand alone.
So.. I shall keep some things to myself.

Today was a good day.
Distractions were experienced and enjoyed.
The sun was out.

I'm adjusting to new balance.
Trying to find the open slots in my schedule.

I'm having a friend's thanksgiving that actually makes me really excited, even if only 2 people. Om

I dreamt about you.
I was trying to find you in a huge house. Almost like the one on the beach in Spotless Mind.
I saw you in each room I looked but when I got close you were gone... Over and over..
I woke up realizing it was a dream but then knowing it was also reality except I can't even see you.

It's confirmed you lied.
An addiction of itself.
It's confirmed that my hopes and dreams are worthless and should have died when you left.
I want to wish I never met you and I can't find why I dont.

I picture mysf erasing the past months. Almost as though I had the end of a pencil and was erasing the last two pages of a book being written. Once erased the pages are blank but not fresh and crisp.. You can still see the wear.
Just like me..
Erasing life doesn't exist.
It just makes me think about the Spotless Mind.. The beauty of that script. Two people erasing immense pain from each other and once they do fate still draws them together.

I wonder what it's like to feel whole.
And how many people actually do..

I still don't know why I have abandoned handwritten journals for my blog except for the fact that sometimes typing is just faster then writing.
I like this blog. It also doesn't run out of paper or stack up on my bookshelf.
I don't share everything but it is sufficient.

I'm buying Frankie private training lessons with someone who is extremely knowledgeable about pitbulls. At first I couldn't imagine spending more money then I thought about the long run and how good this really will be.

..........
I still haven't heard from you.
I don't know what I did for you to not write back or call. Not even give me the time of day. Somehow miles between us caused you to forget about me.
It's very apparent that I'm not important to you.
The biggest problem I have with this is that it is so fucking unfair of you to show yourself to me as someone you aren't.
Not even close to the person I see now. My gut trusted you. And my heart. I don't come by that everyday and when I do it is so important to me so this, for now, is the biggest mystery in my life and honestly I am beyond sick of trying to not think about I because all it does is haunt my blood.
It isn't just thoughts running around in my head it's affecting my whole body.
I won't let this happen again.

The memories are like shadows
The light won't let them disappear.

I wish I knew why.
Abandonment.
The word used to describe what you've done.
Makes sense.
Leave someone with no return and fill them with lies.
And you're ok with it which leads me to realize that you're a fake.
A fucking fake.
Well turns out that I have enough fake in my life.
Fuck you.

I know it's been raining on you.

It's been pouring for a month now.
The way I felt driving away is haunting me.
The way you wiped my tears that last day and told me to just call you.
This love that was found is now shattered on the ground.
I look at the pieces every day thinking maybe I will find the right glue today..
or maybe.. it will find me.
Nothing has hurt more then that stupid four letter word. L.O.V.E.
"it is better to love then to never love."
Who the fuck said that anyways?
It's bullshit.
The pain of a broken heart is so unbearable that I would rather not allow love.

I want so badly to say that I hate you.
That I wish I never met you.
That you didn't make a huge dent in my heart, who I am, how I view life...

But the fucking problem is that all I think about is the next time we will talk.
If life has enough grace to shed on me to allow it.
So far love has only served me pain.
Night after night of haunting heartache.
Now I lie here drowning in tears and the memory of you..
A ghost.

Help, I have done it again.
I have been here many times before.
And the worse part is there's no one else to blame.
I have lost myself again.
I have lost myself and I feel unsafe.
I am no where to be found
.. and I think I might break.

A coma might feel better then this.
Attempting to discover where to begin.
You're weighed down, you're full of something.
Of sickness and desertion.

So say goodbye to love
there's no need to rush
we're all just waiting to die.

hoping a better place is all i need..
when you're underneath it all.

all you're friends seem like enemies
when you're broken down and empty.

hello again

it's been a while since i have visited you.
no reason aside from not taking time to write.
i do know that i need this.
i need a lot..
and it's hard to admit.
hard to look at.
but most of all i need you.
you know who you are if you could read this.
and the sad thing is that you won't read this.
not only because you can't but it's not a part of your day.

.l.o.v.e.
you are possibly the hardest part to this life no matter how you are approached or used.
there are times where i wish i didn't love but i know deep down that you are the most beautiful part of this world.
the one thing i ask that will never be answered is why is love ripped away? and when it is why so painfully?
it's unbearable. absolutely unbearable.
the sadness and fog that enter an absent heart is like non other.
and all this time we have this facade that love happens in the movies. there may be some hurdles and distress but love always wins.
not in this life.
not when you pull your face away from the script and your eyes away from the lens.

within the first hour i met you.. you said to me "when you find love and have love nothing else matters." and you picked up the cash on the bar and tossed it "money doesn't matter."
but here we are looking at the exact opposite of that first night in the candlelight.
love is last.
now for me that makes sense for fragility that love should be last.
especially when it's unbearable to watch it fly away.

don't forget me.

It can be so empty.
Quiet.

But I just want to be alone tonight

And I sill miss you.

Because Faith is Real.

It is comforting to know that sorrow stays only for the night and then it takes it's leave in the morning. And a thunderstorm is very brief compared to a long summer day.

Never send.

No good truth would come if this was handed to someone.
So here is the letter I want to officially write but never will as follows=
"Hi. Can you please be honest. I see that it's hard for you. Maybe if you started with being honest with yourself you'll find how free it is. Let go.
The worst part is that you don't realize the reality of this. You want to be this person, this way but you aren't. At least not yet. So in the meantime, make it a little easier on everyone if you could be honest with yourself. "

There. Done. G'night.

but i do

.I.wish.I.didn't.care.

somuch

It's easy to forget how sad I am about something until it's talked about.
I was reminded of that tonight.
The time spent on earth will be broken time and I wish I could say that things didn't bring me down. I wish that I could say I grasped the fullness of eternity and how small today is. How small life is.
At the end of the day I'm happy about where I am, in a personal way.
I can say that right now, age 26, I am only able to enjoy life more and more as the days start and end. I learn more each day and not that I haven't been learning every day of my life, but now the awareness and desire is present and active. My philosophy of life is worked through and sorted out more and more with each day. My awareness of who I am and where I want to go, in any manner, is only becoming more visible. The "innocence" of the world becomes less and less the goggles I look through and is slowing melting away. Not to say everything is bad - I just notice it more then I did. To enjoy the small things in life and find ways to bring joy is a gift.
So life continues and sometimes it just seems like too much happens in one day.

I was out of character today. I quit my job today. Didn't give notice. Wrote a professional letter giving reason.
I feel like a new woman even though that wasn't my usual method to uphold integrity.
G'night.

I think I'm safer on a jetplane
Then a world without love.
......................................

Well the foot I broke 3 years ago has been acting up. Bummed. It's swollen and mad but I've been icing it like crazy and hoping it calms down soon. I ran barefoot on the beach and I that was when I ran wrong or something :/ .

I bought another can of SprayPaint yesterday. I now own 6 colors. I couldn't smile bigger. I finished a piece of art today and tomorrow will be done with another.

This weekend I went job hunting. I don't like job hunting. But I like it more then my current job. Thinking about going to work tomorrow is lame but at the same time I want to keep a good attitude because I don't know how long I have to stay here.

It has been cold here in Santa Barbara! Today it poured. The difference in rain from here to Seattle is not only how much. It pours here when it rains and in Seattle it rains softly or sprinkles for days.

God... Have you fallen asleep..

The memory of losing you
You're like a ghost


I wish you were listening
To get through it.

We Are All Forgotten...

Is there anyone left who will understand
I'm made of flesh and bone
....
Have I lost my faith in you?
Have we all forgotten too?
Don't you break my heart again
...............................................................................................

I haven't written lately. Just haven't really taken the time I guess. I feel like my last post was pretty sufficient for how I've felt for a while.
Right now I am drinking what me and my brother call Crack Tea. All it is is Jasmine Green tea but the buzz is high. And I'm sitting in bed and I have the book I'm reading next to me, which has been quite a lovely book so far.
I told my boss I wasn't working today =D
I'm publicly admitting that I HATE MY JOB. I know.. Lane. I just changed jobs too sothat just sucks. But I was hired as a nanny and I'm far from a nanny. Not only am I the dirt my boss walks on but I'm also their maid. I do ALL of their dishes, laundry and cleaning. She even writes lists of closets she wants me to organize. Oh and did I mention she doesn't want to be a mom but wants the social status of a perfect family. So my question is: why does having kids make you the perfect family?
So she has a nanny so she can BS all day. That would consist of playing on the Internet, shopping, going out to eat and coffee, going to the gym. Seriously what can you do 40 hours a week that doesn't involve working towards anything?
Ok ok my rant is done. And yes there are good things in my life.
I saw my brother for thanksgiving and that was fabulous. And art is the heartbeat of my soul. I applied at tattoo shops! That's kind of big news for me... It's quite intimidating. But I figured I might as well get myself out there considering I love it and am good at it.
Well my book is taunting me..

THERE'S MORE TIMES
THAN NOT
THAT YOU'RE AS
REAL AS CAN BE.

BUT THERE'S MORE QUESTIONS
THAT CAN'T BE ANSWERED
THAT MURDERS MY BELIEF

. . . .

Paper Route

I still believe that change can happen though it's hard and it happens slowly..
I still believe forgiveness comes with love and God when it watches over me..
If we've all forgotten you?
Are we all forgotten too?

Don't you break my heart

Again..

Hello Hurricane

Ive wanted to lie in bed all day today and finally now at 10:30pm I have arrived at my destination.
I'm too tired for details.
Basically I am sad, scared, drained, and happy all in one.

You turn every head....

.... but you don't see me.

Passion....

I thought I found you.
I was wrong.
You only taught me and lead me to the right direction.
Now I can't get enough of you.
I feel a fuller filling that I haven't experienced.

I've never felt so alive; awakened.
And you won't leave.

The insecurities that once held me back do not exist in this element.
The fear of rejection won't find me.
The search is over and now the journey facing challenge begins.

...time...

I have more going on inside then I have energy to write or even guts to spill. These things that are creeping around in my head and heart seem scary to open up about because the level of vulnerability I need to have. So I'll just say that my heart is aching. I'm happy and excited to see what the future holds. I'm embracing the challenge to face and work on myself more and more. I have made healthy commitments to myself that I actually desire to keep. But aside from all these things my heart hurts. No one ever likes a hurt heart. Hurting from things that just takes time. And I don't want to wait. But I want to enjoy each day. Confused?

Blah.

I saw Dr. Drew tonight at the Arlington Theater. It was fantastic and I learned a lot in 2 hours. I met him and took pictures!! What a nerdy fan I am!!

I tweet.

Yes it's true. I have a twitter account. About a year ago I made an account strictly for art. It has done me well. I follow art happenings and they follow me! I can promote like crazy which I love. The problem is that I forget about it all the time. Ive been better lately. I really enjoy following Jim Carrey on there, he is quite a character.

I must have a really old layout of blogger because I don't have the "upload picture" button and it kinda sucked. There are photos worth sharing on here!! Oh well. Maybe it's my phone.

I just spent 5 mintues trying to kill a mesquite. I think I was successful. I have ears for those suckers and I laid here questioning if my ear was ringing and it wasn't! What is the purpose (outside of spreading disease) for mesquites?

I'm sleeping in tomorrow. Three more days left of this current job =).
A lot of change since august. It takes an average 30 days to adjust to change.

Clear the air..

So to clarify my disappointment of the Halloween weekend (since I was too tired to detail last night) is that I LOVE HALLOWEEN! And.. I did not do anything festive at all concerning Halloween. What is that about? The original plan was to go up north to Santa Cruz, dress like a banana, and party with my brother. Didn't happen. And I thought that I would still have a festive Halloween without SC, the banana, and my brother.. but it was just a typical weekend. Actually it was the most relaxed uneventful weekend I've had so far in SB.
It's ok. I'm over it now. BUT.. I love Halloween too much to let that happen again. I don't love it enough to see IV though. :/
Case of the mondays is over. =) for today.
This is my last week at this current job and also the last week I will ever play "princess" again. Thank God! No more playing the role of Ursula. So over the barbie princess scream all the time cuz I'm a little girl thing. I love kids.. but not these things.
Bah I have kind of a lot to write about but instead of sitting here taking the time to do so I am off to read =). I started a new book today.
I also haven't fully thought through what I feel like sharing on here or not sharing. There used to be a point where it didn't matter the level of vulnerability I was sharing on here but something changed. Hmm.

Thanks guys.

Rant=
Non-blinker users: you are the epitome of lazy if you can't use your blinker. It's mere respect of every other driver. You non users possibly madden when you rum across other non-blinkers.
There it is. My rant.

This weekend was disappointing. At this time of the night and at the end of the weekend; I not only feel stupid. I don't want to go into detail I just want to drop it. Time. Thanks for being unpredictable about when!