...time...

I have more going on inside then I have energy to write or even guts to spill. These things that are creeping around in my head and heart seem scary to open up about because the level of vulnerability I need to have. So I'll just say that my heart is aching. I'm happy and excited to see what the future holds. I'm embracing the challenge to face and work on myself more and more. I have made healthy commitments to myself that I actually desire to keep. But aside from all these things my heart hurts. No one ever likes a hurt heart. Hurting from things that just takes time. And I don't want to wait. But I want to enjoy each day. Confused?

Blah.

I saw Dr. Drew tonight at the Arlington Theater. It was fantastic and I learned a lot in 2 hours. I met him and took pictures!! What a nerdy fan I am!!

I tweet.

Yes it's true. I have a twitter account. About a year ago I made an account strictly for art. It has done me well. I follow art happenings and they follow me! I can promote like crazy which I love. The problem is that I forget about it all the time. Ive been better lately. I really enjoy following Jim Carrey on there, he is quite a character.

I must have a really old layout of blogger because I don't have the "upload picture" button and it kinda sucked. There are photos worth sharing on here!! Oh well. Maybe it's my phone.

I just spent 5 mintues trying to kill a mesquite. I think I was successful. I have ears for those suckers and I laid here questioning if my ear was ringing and it wasn't! What is the purpose (outside of spreading disease) for mesquites?

I'm sleeping in tomorrow. Three more days left of this current job =).
A lot of change since august. It takes an average 30 days to adjust to change.

Clear the air..

So to clarify my disappointment of the Halloween weekend (since I was too tired to detail last night) is that I LOVE HALLOWEEN! And.. I did not do anything festive at all concerning Halloween. What is that about? The original plan was to go up north to Santa Cruz, dress like a banana, and party with my brother. Didn't happen. And I thought that I would still have a festive Halloween without SC, the banana, and my brother.. but it was just a typical weekend. Actually it was the most relaxed uneventful weekend I've had so far in SB.
It's ok. I'm over it now. BUT.. I love Halloween too much to let that happen again. I don't love it enough to see IV though. :/
Case of the mondays is over. =) for today.
This is my last week at this current job and also the last week I will ever play "princess" again. Thank God! No more playing the role of Ursula. So over the barbie princess scream all the time cuz I'm a little girl thing. I love kids.. but not these things.
Bah I have kind of a lot to write about but instead of sitting here taking the time to do so I am off to read =). I started a new book today.
I also haven't fully thought through what I feel like sharing on here or not sharing. There used to be a point where it didn't matter the level of vulnerability I was sharing on here but something changed. Hmm.

Thanks guys.

Rant=
Non-blinker users: you are the epitome of lazy if you can't use your blinker. It's mere respect of every other driver. You non users possibly madden when you rum across other non-blinkers.
There it is. My rant.

This weekend was disappointing. At this time of the night and at the end of the weekend; I not only feel stupid. I don't want to go into detail I just want to drop it. Time. Thanks for being unpredictable about when!

Pinky Swear?

Be honest with yourself before you try to be honest with others. This isn't easy and it's easy to miss stuff.
This "honesty" business has been circling my mind lately. I want to be completely honest with my life. It's almost mind blowing how hard of a task this is for some people and not even that but it's not even a thought. I hope to only give honesty.

It's Saturday today. I've had so far what some call a lane weekend. Last night I painted from 6pm until 10pm and was much needed. This morning I went to the market, painted some more, and now babysitting for a couple hours. Tonight I'm playing it by ear. I haven't felt fun to be around this week because I was feeling slightly drained and it's not fun to give people only 50% of you. I want to give 100%.
This weeks looking good so far.
Happy Halloween!

Have you noticed?

"I wish that my smile was your favorite smile.. I wish my style was your favorite style.. Actually I wish that you just loved me. All I know is that you're the nicest thing I've ever seen and I wish we could see if we could be something. " -kate Nash
This is a select few lyrics I heard on a song tonight.at first I thought how sad to sing about. Then I thought that a lot of people feel like that. Then I thought that a deep desire amongst many is not just to be noticed but be noticed by one; the kind of noticing where you're all thy see. The deeper part is love. The "simple" most complicated word. So much more then a word.
I'm very impressed by music. People's hearts are cut open for all to experience through music. I struggle with art shows because when all of my paintings are on display I feel like my heart is hung in front of me and I have no grasp. So.. Thank you musicians for sharing deeper parts of your heart.

......................
I have received a lot of genuine, positive feedback about my character. It's been nice to see how others view me because I was slightly at a loss to know. I want to uphold a positive touch to others when we cross paths.
I don't like a piece of the head space I've been swimming in. Time is always failfhdul to resolve.

Layers.

I want heels to be more apart of my every day life. I have always loved them but never took the time to stock up with them. So now I will start to stock up on them.. I really like shoes! There have been a couple situations where some asshole chose to give me negative comments while I had heels on. I am upset I ever let it affect me. Now I say screw you.
I had a small asthma attack/breathing dilemma a week ago whe running and haven't really been the same since. I think I just need to rest my lungs. I attempted a run today but couldn't finish.

I've had a lot on my mind/heart lately. One thing is that as hard as it is to share what we see as ugliness about ourselves, I find it to be the most beautiful thing about a person. In the past 2 months I have heard A LOt of people's story and deeper layers. It's something that usually happens often but it's been quite compacted lately.
Off to bed but maybe I'll writeabout love.

6 minute bagel stop.

If I do not have the 6.5 minutes it takes to melt the butter and put cream cheese on a toasted bagel that I ordered on-the-go.. then it's just not worth it. Otherwise I wear all the crumbs, the butter either does not melt or get used, and how am I supposed to drive a manual and do all that?
I decided this yesterday at 7:30am just shortly after buying my bagel.

I pass the road to my house every time I come from the Goleta side and still can't seem to slow down appropriately to turn from the 154 side.
Last night I saw a mountain lion. I was shocked.. I even checked photos online to make sure it was for real. I also reported because I think thats what you do when Irwin a residential area.
Today I saw dolphins while on my run. It was really neat. They were so close to shore and just looked utterly peaceful swimming in and out of the baby waves. I also saw a couple's Public Display of Affection while rolling around in the sand. Lovely. Shortly after an old guy was walking down the shore with his murse (man purse) wearing a too-tight thong that was Hawaiian flower themed. I know.. I accidentally noticed.
So I'm starting to seriously consider eye surgery.since I don't qualify for Lasix the surgery I can get is very intense and last I heard it isn't the most recommended procedure. But my contacts are really getting to me more and more. We'll see.
I am so tired and have drawings to do bu felt the urge to write this randomness inside me. I have deeper heart matters to express but in due time...

I think I might have inhaled you...

You've gotten into my bloodstream.

I've made a choice to walk through life allowing myself to live deeply with others. With this choice comes vulnerability, trust, unconditional love, patience, heartache.. The list goes on. Pain. Pain is a part of life. I also think it's the seed of growth I'd you press forward.
This decision is a hard road to walk down but I know that I won't regret it, I know I'll look back (as I already do) and have a heart full of thanks.
Now this road walking deeply also isn't just with anyone, I do think through people, situations, heart status...

Its Sunday morning and I don't want Monday to come. I am giving my two weeks notice today as I have found a job I see as a better fit in more ways than one. I am still processing how I will execute giving my two weeks and am slightly anxious about it.

Yesterday I was lost in the mountanside labyrinth of Santa Barbara for 3o minutes. Probably the most stressful thing if my week. I know the locals understand the twisting, turning , backwards, up and downs of this mountainside... BUT I still dont. And it all looks the same. And after a while I can't tell if I am going up, down east west. I mean who designed that labyrinth? After I found my way out I did not proceed to my destination, I came home and recovered by taking a nap. Oh wait.. First I though that it mint be refreshing to eat a pineapple guava which tasted like a bottle of bad perfume. Last time I do that.

Zzz.

I think tonight is the night sleep will find me. I was so utterly exhausted today that when I tried to take a nap I slightly dozed for ten minutes. I am drunk tired now and it's 11. I don't work till 10am tomorrow which is beyond amazing.
(There's an animal on my deck at this very moment that made my heart drop from the noise it made.)

I had a good day. I felt really empowered today, really free. Then as the night came on I started to feel lonely. I had plans with people and followed through but I felt alone in a crowd which Is almost more upsetting. For ne it is at least. It always points back to a deeper reasons for feeling lonely.

Off to bed

The more beautiful you become....

At this point in life I have decided to not let my sleep issue madden me. I've very much been going through a bad sleep spurt. It's annoying, it makes me tired, I could let it turn me into a butthead... but I decided a while ago that letting a lack of sleep ruin my opportunity for life was worthless and probably made other's day worse then mine. It's 1:30 I am not tired, have a lot on my mind and have to wake at 6:40 and I am set out to have a good day tomorrow.
I am starting to major in things I used to minor in and shift around things in my life. Not to make anything more or less important but just trying to cover it all and really find a clear mind. I think the past few years was a season of facing giants for me and I made the mistake of making certain decisions with negative consequences in an unhealthy mind state. The leaves have since turned a bright orange.
I can't seem to keep up with my processing and it seems that everything inside wants to be processed now and fast. It's a mixed feeling, amazing but tiresome. I can't seem to get it all processed. Good thing time exists.
I feel more teachable then I have been fir a while. I think I wasn't extending myself to be taught, recently, because I didn't seem to find very many that I found worth to learn from, which does not mean there isn't worth for another.
I have a heavy heart and it's a healthy heavy heart.
The desire for intimacy and freedom to be vulnerable cries within but knowing that being vulnerable is very nude, stretching, ugly at times... Ect stops me in my path. But the larger thing that stops me Is the fact that I don't jump until you jump. There is a gray area in that but I know that I am a protected of my heart before I'm a jumper. I clearly am aware of why that is but that doesn't mean it is an easy thing to change or even something I want to tackle.
Throughout these adult years I feel like I have to narrow into to 2 or 3 parts me of me to tackle and find freedom from that is a result of my life. I found that if I look at all the fixed layers inside then I instantly overwhelm and shut down to even trying. Not a fun path to to walk. So I learned that lesson and have committed to not allowing myself to look at all in one sitting. With that said, it takes a lot of time. More then I always plan or expect. Expectations are a premeditated disappointment.
I truly believe that we only flourish more beautifully as we swim deeply with others but somewhere along the way find it safe to feel ugly within that vulnerability. The truth is that we are only really ugly to ourselves.
Pain is the seed of growth and seeing our deepest layers can be very painful.
More is within but I actually think that sleep might find me...

Ppsshh technology. Love hate.

Dumb computer. I just wrote a really great blog- by my standard- and lost it. Irritating. That is the kind of thing that really erks me. And the fact that it's raining really hard right now and thunder and lightning freak me out a lot.

Hearts are meant to love deeply.

I see the good. The good in people, the good in situations, the good in life. I'm not perfect at this "seeing good" thing all the time but I'm noticing this about myself and have also been told by people that I do so. I keep noticing that I'll tell someone how great someone else is and thT person always seems to respond with " yeah but.." and it just hurts me and sucks all at the same time because I dont think like that. I also dont want to think about the bad. I observe things and notice faults just like everyone else but it's not how I want to know a person. I thank my background/childhood for this.. Between moving around and not always fitting in and havingto start over a lot.. And other reasons I'm sure.
I also know that everywhere I go I hear peoples stories, where they're going, what they've done or are doing, their pains, joys, aspirations. I have this gift of listening ; but as someone brought it to light to me today they said that I have a very trusting presense about me that is non judging and desires to know. Which I think, for the most part, is very true. I deeply love, deeply hurt... The list goes on. This person reminded me today that I can leave these burdens with God because I carry a lot of peoples burdens. Which I do feel like we are called to do its just a matter of doing so in a healthy manner.
These past weeks have really been weeks of self reflection and spring cleaning.. Cleaning of my heAert and soul.

Know that you are blessed.

I've been presented this week with the reality that I have created a distance in my heart with God and only the first board of the bridge has been laid. I always believe it's not possible to stray but I also know that is the most ignorant thing to believe. I love God and I know that. My heart craves Him and I know that I will continue the path to follow. I also know that there are parts of me that I have taken back. Parts that He once had completely and over time, with pain, I have taken them back and now fear is in front of them.
Those that are precious to God are important to satan. -"Same Kind of Different As Me."
I find that to be true. The enemy is always on the prowl.
The times I have been closest to God and letting Him own all of my heart have also been my most heavy hearted and depressed seasons of life. I don't want that. I don't want to feel heavy hearted and depressed. I also know that brokenness occurs only to flourish into something greater and I believe that God ONLY wants something greater. I also know that praying for joy in Him is something I have never done.
I was most encouraged today by someone I've only known a month. She was the first person I met at church and I already know that our friendship will be far from meaningless.
I was encouraged to rely on God in a way I haven't for a very long time.
I find it true that when we share details to the seasons of our lives in a transparent form, we share God's story of His redeeming and sanctifying Love. I saw that tonight brighter then I have in a while.
Thank you.

Comics?

Frequently on my jogs along the beach I tend to see the same guy in bright red- on the line of pink colored thong-ish not quite fully speedo swimwear. He lays in the same spot everyday with a hat in his wrinkly skin, his bike not far and always has a palm leaf sitting upright in front of him. He's quite the character.
Thursday night at 9:30 I had just left Border's and bought a large hardback book. I was walking along state to my car when a homeless man walked up to me screaming jibberish. And by jibberish I literally mean no clear language was streaming out of his mouth. I tried to pass him and he got in my way.. this went on a few times and I then had to go out onto the road and walk in the bike lane. I seriously thought about smacking him in the head with my book.
Yesterday while jogging I saw a woman in her late 40's I'm guessing with her man (husband?boyfriend?) on the shore, standing up; she had rolled his short legs up and was lathering suntan lotion on his upper thighs. Gross. Please do that at home.. or not at all for that matter.
Last night I stopped by CVS and saw a woman with army pajama pants on and a black thong over the pajama pants. Yes you read that correctly. She was also showing her mid-section.

Oh thank you Santa Barbara for making my life comic strip and I'm just the narrator.

A lyric ran through my head last night and the words had left my lips as I opened my eyes from sleep..

I've had so much to write about but everytime its all in the forefront of my mind I either can't sit down at the computer or am out and about.
First of all.. Stateless is a great band. I just discovered them. Totally hooked.
His voice is epic and the music kind of reminds me of Mutemath but not as much noise. If that makes sense.
I have been failing at my at least 30 minutes of art everyday lately. I've gotten so sucked into stenciling that I'm not working on stuff that really needs to be worked on. And I keep seeing things I should be submitting my art into and not doing it because I have some unfinished stuff, some frameless stuff, or whatever the case. There's always an excuse right? Well I don't really want to have excuses anymore. I've always had excuses for art in some form or another that prevented me from really stepping out there. One of my huge goals and challenges I knew I wanted to conquer moving to Santa Barbara and I want to stick to it.
The gray weather really gets to me. Not a fan. I have noticed the past couple days finding myself slightly down, slightly sluggish. A feeling I never want to feel or visit again. Especially now that I no longer live in WA.
Goodbye gray skies.
The idea of selfishness has still been whirling around in my head. I think about how I am selfish and how it works itself in or out of my life. But I am also taking notes on others. I am definitely one that observes. I always have been. I have learned a lot in just observing. I have found that in our quest to become more selfless we can be selfish. It's almost a blind trick and we don't realize that out of selfishness we are trying to be selfless. I know I just repeated myself. It's just me processing. Its a tough subject because I think selfishness and selflessness can be interpreted by people differently and very wrongly depending on expectations and such. Lot to think about.
So I started reading Same Kind Of Different As Me. I am really enjoying it a lot. I started Grapes of Wrath not too long ago because John Steinbeck is one of my favorite authors but it was moving so slow. But this other book really has me. It really has been a while that I have read a book that has my attention to where I'm trying to stay awake to read rather than falling asleep in the words.
I have an interview in an hour and a half. Its for a different family to nanny for and the benefits are so much better on all levels then my current position. There are good things about my current position but there is too much messiness and other stuff that I know I won't be staying in this current position for long. I did apply for an art teaching position that I qualify for. I did that monday and as it is only wednesday I still have not even heard if they received my application or resume. We'll see. That would be the ultimate position rather then being a nanny. A nanny job to me is just a job I can handle that has consistency, pays the bills, and is good while I finish school. Definitely not something to end with.
I was going to run tonight but the weather is gross and I have decided that after my interview I will come home and do art. Really crack down on some projects.
And for now.. I'm off to do art before as well!

Dang yesterday was crazy packed. I started the day with a nice cup of coffee and a book. At 9am I went on a hike with a friend that lasted about an hour and a half. It was lovely and the view of Santa Barbara was amazing. Even that early it was freakin hot.
After that we swung by the market, bought some food and ate all the samples. Then I went and played soccer for an hour and a half. I then ran home, showered, then took some kids to the beach and we played volleyball.
We were there for a couple hours. Then ordered pizza, had ice cream and watched a movie. What a day. I feel pretty beat today but it was worth it. I'll be going to the avocado festival i carp today =D.

Lately the idea of selfishness has been consuming my mind a lot. I've been processing through how selfishness plays out in people's characters and stuff like that. How I can be selfish.
I really do think it's a crappy thing to be but being human it will rear its head often. To be selfless is really hard and to find a balance between all of these things is not easy.
eh.. thats all for now. I think i'm still to tired to think hard right now.

LOVE IS NOT AGAINST THE LAW

I am up late on a thursday night and it feels amazing. I really enjoy staying up late. Not only did I finish a rad stencil..but I also taped it down on canvas so it is spray paint ready tomorrow.
I also don't work until 9am tomorrow which feels great already. And I'll probably get off work around 315ish. Thank you friday.
I plan to have a nice jog on the beach tomorrow. I really look forward to that.. it keeps my head in place. I bought new jogging gear (and soccer gear) and I'm slightly excited to wear it. I don't think I've ever really bought gear just for jogging.. it's always been too-old-to-wear in public clothes. Now I'm jogging in style and my new tank top is neon yellow. YaHoo!
I was at work today from 7:30am-3:30pm. I didn't start work until 2:15pm. Not even kidding. And I don't get paid hourly so it's a huge waste of my time.
I have been applying for jobs .. but not just any job because I'd rather stay at this job then change to a job that sucks the same or worse.
I also am processing what is most important to bring up to my boss' that needs to change. I don't want to bog them down with all my irritations; they will always be there and I need to think through which one's are legitimate and worth bringing up.
I do know that they are doing things wrong though.

Anywho.. I have quite the weekend ahead. Jogging and art after work tomorrow.. hopefully something fun in the evening like music =D
Saturday morning market (my fav) along with some soccer. Then beach for some swim, volleyball, frisbee and whatever else.
Sunday morning going to the avocado festival in Carp and evening church. It does seem a little packed to me because I have actual plans I have to somewhat stick to.
I'm not the best with plans. Some are necessary and very needed and I still make them to some extent but overall I am a blow-with-the-wind individual. And very spontaneous. Which I love.
And.. I'm wide awake.. still and it's midnight. Love it.
K I'm off to tackle the job hunt thing for the evening.

My heart beats graffiti.

Dang. Lately I have been ready to sleep around ten. Unless I'm out and about. But it's a good tired.. like one that I've accomplished a lot in a day. Which lately, I have very much so. Running after 2 little girls all day, jogging 4-5 times a week in the sand, playing soccer on weekends.. pretty sure I should expect to be toast. I also feel like a freakin food monster. I'm not eating junk but man have I been hungry because I'm constantly going!
It's all good feelings though.
I haven't been making time for internet because there are so many other things calling my name. Like right now. .. the stencil I've been spending a lot of time on. I'm really into this stenciling spray paint media. The downfall is that it is really a long process if you make your own stencils and why would I not make my own stencils?
Someday I will do graffiti and this is the start. =D extra big smile about that.

I'm going to a show tomorrow and I've been craving to wear heels and I think I will do just that. I feel like you can never wear enough red lipstick or heels but I still have that small insecurity inside that says I'm too overdressed or it doesn't fit or whatever. Bleh.. stupid insecurity.
Tomorrow is thursday. My weeks go by pretty fast (work that is) and then my weekends seem to be pretty good. They haven't gone by too fast so far.
I must say that I see such a HUGE difference in my energy and emotional levels just with work. Don't get me wrong.. I'm looking for a better fit with work but still I don't care if I am tired all day at work and it doesn't stress me out if I stay up too late. When I was teaching in the environment I was, I remember that being a really big issue. Constant amount of stress. Well.. it's gone now!
K off to drink my glass of wine that I poured and bust out this sick stencil!

spiders.

Well my phobia of spiders is changing. There have maybe only been three days here where there hasn't been a spider in the shower and a spiderweb that I walk thru morning or night. They seem to be everywhere that I am.

I've had quite the hilarious moments at Trader Joe's. Last week a worker came up to me as I was checking my list in my phone and said "hey there cell phone girl.. can I help you with anything?" We kinda chatted and I said I was fine and he then said "well.. I'll be around where you can find me so don't hesitate to do so." Then a few minutes later a guy awkwardly spins to face me and says "I just had to follow you because you smell so amazing and I wanted to smell you longer."
Yesterday I went into Trader Joe's and a guy came up to me and said "Your eyes are so striking I could stare into them all night."
Soooo what's up with Trader Joe's?
At least it keeps my life entertaining and definitely something for me to laugh about.

I saw the most amazing bands last night. They completely filled my hole for great live music and feel amazing! They were from Portland; Typhoon and A Ya Bamba (I think I have that right). Sheesh were they good. I was so impressed especially since music is so hard right now and a lot of people make the same stuff.

Frustrations= my job. Well not my job necessarily.. just certain dynamics. I am still processing through how I want to go about addressing it because I know something can change. I also know that work is work.

I haven't felt this healthy in 5 years. I did the math today while I was on my jog. Five years ago I started going to bible college and after a year I sort of went downhill from numerous circumstances. Now.. I feel absolutely wonderful and didn't even realize how poopy I was feeling. I am referring to all aspects here.. emotionally, spiritually, physically, mentally.. whatever else there is =D. It's great. I mean there's definitely lame moments and lame days but they end and I started to forget what it felt like to be here in this place, not scared for it to leave. It's only getting better I can feel it. I have only but thanks to lift up to God.
Well.. all for now.. the beach is calling my name.

Well.. haven't been posting. Which I find a good thing because it means I'm having too much fun doing other stuff.
I have.
Oh Santa Barbara is treating me well and I plan to take full use of everything here. Lots of plans for adventure and exploring and fun times.
This past weekend was absolutely ridiculously fun because my brother was in town. I must say that we probably had too much fun Saturday and I finally felt fully recovered this afternoon.

Well.. thats all.. I'm off to do some art.

wonderful

is how I feel all the time lately.
Why hello beautiful Sunday. I haven't appreciated life this much in a long while. Lame that I wasn't as much but yay that I am now. There hasn't been a single second that I have not LOVED being here in Santa Barbara.
I went to Santa Barbara Community Church this morning and so far it seems great. We'll see as I meet more people and actually get a little more involved in something.
I went walking up and down state street today with some tasty Gelato in hopes to work out my sore and broken legs from playing soccer. it was more painful then I thought. I should have just rested today and waited until tomorrow when I am at work and the rascals are running me around.
Ahh mondays. Whether ya like your job or not mondays are a drag. I have to get up fairly early tomorrow but it should be fine. I'm usually fully awake by 9 and after that can usually last.
I need to start being disciplined about painting even if its only for 15 minutes a day. It needs to be done!
and on that note.. I'm going to go do that now =D

Smells like home.

Well.. I have been quite busy and very disconnected from social networks on the internet. It's been nice. I do like the internet and all but at the same time it is absolutely FANTASTIC to be in a social environment again.. meaning Santa Barbara. =D In washington it seemed like there were days when the internet was the most exciting thing going on and that is dumb. I don't want my life to be like that.
I arrived in Santa Barbara monday and worked my first week tues-fri. We'll see how it goes- I won't publicly comment on that yet.
I stayed busy every night of the week so far with or without people and it was absolutely great.
Last night i moved into my room, which I love!! I stayed up late to unpack everything and organize. Organizing always feels like some form of medicine to me. Couldn't tell ya why.
Today I did a little more to my room, played some intense soccer, sketched at a coffee shop, went to a friends.
I must say I feel old. My body that is. I know I'll be fine but I am really feeling the soccer games at this point. I want to ice my whole lower body. My shins are definitely beat up and I learned my lesson about not having proper attire. I haven't really re-visited soccer since I was younger. No reason why but I played for a long time as a kid and loved it.
Well.. this move has been wonderful. I have not second guessed it once. I have not missed my life in washington once. I know that sucks to say but that comment doesn't have anything to do with my loved ones. This feels more then right and I haven't felt this at home for a long time. It's so weird how much I did not realize how uncomfortable washington was. I mean.. I was uncomfortable and didn't want to be there but now that I'm here its a lot clearer to me.
I think a lot of good will come of this and continue to come.
I also have felt very strongly that God was doing some serious work in me preparing for this season. Big plans.
I really do dream big. I love doing everything which can be good and bad because I constantly battle what to do. Day by day.
Tomorrow I hope to not be a zombie and a creaky sore mess and get up for church =).
First day at church here and I will be going alone. Which I'm ok with.
Goodnight.

Oh grace.. you've never left me

I've teetered on the edge of grace and not taking responsibility for other's actions. Well I guess it wouldn't really be grace if I was taking responsibility for others. This applies to handful of people in my life as of now but won't affect me after Friday.
I guess it never needed to affect me. I could've drawn the line with boundaries better but the grace side of me wants to give other's chances.
Now, intead of continuing to complain I need to learn and move forward.
As I am trying to do in every other area.
I went into work this morning at 7:45am to paint and the janitor had locked all of my paints up =/. I couldn't get a hold of anyone until noon and by that time I had ran every errand needed and started to pack my room. So I went to lunch with my mom and sis and then finished packing my whole room!
So I ended up getting a lot done.
Now I am following through with part of my plan which is to watch a movie-- but I'm doing it at home instead of out.
And I have a painting to do.
And I'm off...

Elbownitis.

I officially have Elbownitis (tennis elbow). BOo.. I kinda feel it off and on - usually during sleep but noticed it consistently on friday while painting a mural. So then I tattooed for 8.5 hours on saturday. I also worked out all week including my arms. Then tattooed on Sunday. But that was nice because my friend does body work so she did some deep tissue on my forearm that made me want to cry like a little girl. I then woke up to the feeling of bruised and puffy forearm.
Today I painted for 6.5 hours, then tattooed for an hour. Blah. My elbownitis will probably be here for a while. I 3 more days worth of painting and hopefully I can start healing. If not.. it's left arm!

In other news.. I went skateboarding with my nephew last night and it was a blast. We skated the waterfront which was about 4 miles. Then we went to a little skate park and hung out. Then we bought a box of donuts and watched most of Date Night. I'm trying to get as much time in with my family as possible before I leave. So far I've done good.
I reeeaaaally want to go see a movie but my lack of time is killin me. I'm thinking that I can get a good portion of stuff done today and tomorrow and hopefully see a movie tomorrow night =). That movied would be Scott Pilgrim vs. the World or whatever the title is and I will see it alone if I have to =)
Well there's stuff I want to write about but probably shouldn't post publicly. Maybe later. Plus my freakin forearm is killin me. Good thing I"m done tattooing for a while!

The only thing consistent is change.

As the days lessen before I go the more stress I feel. It's a complicated stress though and the second I get in my car to drive away on Saturday it will dissipate.
I tattooed today for 8 hours straight, 3 different people. I noticed that as I tattoo all I think about is the work that is being produced.
I worked out when I was done and that was when my mind started to race. Everything I have been stressing about surfaced. Once it surfaced I started to process and problem solve.
Part of me is stressed about my Seattle friends (about an hour away). They seem to never drive down to Tacoma and the only time I see them is if I go to them. Not only that but the times we've scheduled to hang in Tacoma they call the day of cancelling. I feel slightly selfish but at the same time I'm really upset about it and have been upset about it. The big deal is that I don't have time this week to drive to them. It has nothing to do with wanting to see them. I just don't think I will because I'm not making the effort. Then I end up feeling guilty. I can't seem to find the root of that in me.... why I would feel guilty for other's stuff?
Secondly I have murals to still paint, tattoos to do, a room to pack, some important errands, and my party to be had. AND people who need me to change my whole schedule and drive forever to see them and if I don't it's my fault.
Sheesh.. I know I sound horrible. And it won't even matter in a week. But it's been buggin me for months now.
I think I'll be ok though and be able to get stuff done. I just have to be wise with my time.
One of my clients cancelled 2x in a row and now I have to tattoo him monday and I really didn't want to tattoo anyone after tomorrow.

I'm so excited to leave but I have started to feel all the shtuff that comes along with change. The feelings to be exact. I'm so sad to leave the people I love here. Today Jared said "Chelsea you just need all of your 'good' friends to move with you." That's how I feel in a lot of ways. My good friends up here are married and kids are coming into the picture, or already have been. I must say it changes things. I really don't have a lot of friends that aren't married up here. I thought about this a lot today. It didn't make me sad or anything it just gave me some insight to some stuff I was dealing with concerning my social life and my life here in general.
This week will go by fast. Not only do I have a ton going on but I also just think I have a lot going on inside that only time can process and heal and figure out.
Time and God is where trust for healing and change can be.

I think I'm safer on a jetway, than a world without love...

Well .. I kinda feel like today just started out wrong, the middle was good, and the end was kinda disappointing.
I had a dentist app first thing this morning to get fillings. They gave me lectures about not coming in often, which is awkward.
Then once he had drilled the inside of my tooth he says "Oh this doesn't look too good." WHAT??!! Who wants to hear that when 2 hands are smashed in your mouth and your tooth's totally drilled?
Then he says I need a root canal. They bring me the estimate of what's covered and what isn't and my portion is $500 dollars worth. Pretty sure I welled up with tears because this was the last thing I was expecting and it will be my 3rd root canal =(.
Then she says "we don't do payments if you have insurance and your tooth is open now.' I had already wanted to complain about their service then when she said that I really just wanted to flip them the bird and peace out.
Instead.. I calmed down and called mom.
I got the root canal .. ugh. And have to go back next week to get the rest done.
The dentist told me that I inherited some funky thing in my teeth that basically doesn't prevent bad stuff.
It was kind of a depressing morning.
Then I went and painted the beginning of a mural and that helped me feel better.
I then tattooed and actually shocked myself with my freehand skills. Always a nice feeling.
I still can't believe I did all that stuff after a root canal. But I'm good. Can't really eat and it does hurt.
The end of the day is now.
I'm upset about stuff that I can't change so I just need to process and let it go. It won't affect me in washington for much longer so I'll be able to put it past me.
And I must say that my teeth are quite upsetting. I still have a lot to do to them and thank God that I have insurance!
The dentist also said "At least they look nice!" bleh.
I had to get a prescription for an antibiotic too and have I mentioned how much I absolutely do not like antibiotics?
Sheesh.. sorry to unload, but I guess that's partially why this thing is so great. I can unload on here instead of on people.
Tomorrow I am painting all day at school, stuff I very much enjoy and a lot of it.
Then I'm going to my favorite restaurant with my mom for dinner.
Then I am going to paint more but at home.

I feel like I have recieved an abundant amount of grace lately, and it's grace in every area of life. I'm never thankful enough.
After the past couple years of trials and mountains I feel stronger in areas I was lacking. I'm thankful for that too even though in the midst of a trial you can't wait to get through. My sister said today that "you can't wait to get through a season." It really got me thinking about how true that is. You can't just wait for them to end because you miss all the angles if you do that. There's a lot more to unfold here but I'll stop there.
I'm just excited for new days, new experiences, new interactions, and the journey God's taking me on.

Life never stops.

I said bye to the kids today. I thought I would cry but I didn't which kinda surprised me. It was a happy ending in a lot of ways.

I have been so busy that I haven't had time to write which isn't like me. I like to have time to write.

Well Saturday night our neihbors house caught on fire. Our direct neighbors. We were watching Dexter (the perfect show for real life events to happen while watching) and we heard some funky noises. At first we thought it was the boys upstairs kicking the walls or falling out of bed so Brittany went up to check and a second later she yelled for us to call 911. So once we new it was a fire we rushed outside and woke up the house full of people. It's a 4-plex so there are 4 doors to knock. They all got out safely and within ten minutes the fire trucks were here. This was at 11:30 pm. It was probably one of the most upsetting things I've witnessed. But kind of beautiful--- not in a sick way. The fire was big and had already blew up 2 cars by the time the trucks got there and was in the house coming up through the roof. There were people everywhere and lots of tears. I shot a short video from our backyard but then had to leave the area. It started to get the electrical wires so we had to hose down the fence, grass and our house hoping it wouldn't catch. It took a while for the trucks to get the fire out, I wanna say it was probably 1 or after. All our friends showed up which was the best part of the night.
We got to bed around 4 and still all got up and went to church the next day.
I must say that I had absolutely no idea everything that comes along with a house burning down. Sunday we spent most of the day with the neighbors helping them and just being around for them.
sad but everyones ok!

I was soooo tired monday from the weekend it had felt like I didn't even have one. I actually can't remember what I did monday aside from sleeping in the sun.
Yesterday was such a long day. We took the school to a park for field day and it was hot. We ran around all day and I didn't leave work until 4. Then went straight to a friend's house to tattoo him, which I did until 9pm. I'm working on a sleeve for him and hoping to get as much as I can done before I leave. I'm tattooing him more tomorrow.
My one complaint about tattoos at this current moment would be= If you cannot handle it do not get one, especially in an area that needs higher pain tolerance. Now this is for people who know what it feels like. =)

My nephews are coming over soon for pizza, hot tub, and a movie. I LOVE spending time with them and am trying to spend as much time with them as I can before I leave.
My time here is running short and the shorter it gets the less time I have. It's kinda crazy how fast its going.

Well I gotta go draw up a tattoo now while I'm waiting...

I have so much on the brain. I think a lot of it is compiling because last week I was so busy. I have lots to do this week also but it's all art again. I lost my brain over the course of the weekend .. details later.
I am going to bed now I just wanted to say that I have too much to say.. too much to think.. and hopefully I will be able to sleep. Sleep is a touchy thing for me.. haven't fully figured out what prevents it for me or what puts me in a coma. Like last night. Sheesh did I sleep. And came home or a nap in the sun.
I just got back from some great live music. Perfect ending to my day. Tomorrow is field day at school, which means our little crazies are let free in the park. I was given the job to paint faces!

until tomorrow... muah!