I DON'T KNOW WHERE I'M GOING BUT I'M GOING. ARE YOU COMING WITH ME? this week has been sad. a deep sad. one that i'm not sure i understand because there is also a lot of beauty, growth, and love involved. i said goodbye to a friend. i fell more in love. i stood up strong. i. fell. more. in. love. those words falling off my lips... i think you know. i think i'm scared. i think i'm willing to go with you to the places you don't think others will follow. the places you are most beautiful and glow. the places you are most hurt and scared. the places you are most mad and undone. the places you hurt others and they still love. insecurity will destroy. fear will disable. i am letting go.

this blog has followed me in life for some years now. not sure if anyone reads it but it's not about that for me. its more of a storage of emotions, experience, events... theres always more secrets, more to tell. but this blog holds a lot of my heart. i can honestly say that at this point in life, 28 years old, in the past year i have experienced real love. i always thought i had but my heart desired more than what i thought i had. i would watch others in love and see the connection, the attachment, the desire and know deep down that i hadn't felt that. i wanted that to be my reality so i tried for it within the relationships i held which almost blocked reality. it was horrible now that i look back. but now, at this time in my life the bar has truly been raised and no longer will i put up with anything less than that connection that really is indescribable. i am so much happier alone with moments of loneliness waiting for real love than putting up with empty love. i learn more about patience every day. actually more about everything every day. i'm enjoying getting older... growing into myself, feeling my own skin, finding the real confidence and learning. just learning. being ok with loving freely.. loving deeply.. letting fear go. "Intense love doesn't measure, it just gives." - Momma T.

you and i could paint the sky together as the world goes by we'll go on forever. look into my eyes eyes are the windows to the soul look into my eyes eyes and you'll know there is no surprise cuz love is plain to see. truth is truth you changed me. i didn't tell you. and if there comes a day when it's too late to tell you my heart will break. i want you to know. . . to know the way in which you affected me, changed me, connected to me. i want you to feel the same. if you do you didn't share either. i think i saw it in your eyes. but i also saw the fear of letting go again into someone else's arms that stopped you. i don't blame you. i'll never tie you down. this is the love letter you'll probably never read. the one i said i wouldn't write... but i think i might have inhaled you... you've gotten into my bloodstream. the reality is that my heart is exploding. in such a powerful, beautiful way. true talent is showing itself to me.. flowing and pumping with my blood. freedom from ties and fears. although writing this shows me i'm still full of fear. when it comes to my heart being handed over and put on the line fear enters. this connection is like none i've experienced. there will be no more settling and so far there are none like you so this looks like a long road. i'd rather be alone living my dreams then living subdued and settling because i'm feeling the slightest ounce of loneliness. loneliness seems to be a part of everyone's life and the more i explore loneliness i realize that i am grateful to feel a connection strong enough to another human being that missing them creates an empty ache. timing is so touchy. so tough. so hard to harness.

i've had a lot of eye openers lately.. epiphany's so to speak. situations, events, people, understandings that have changed little parts of me. as i shed skin each part of me changes. i must say i never thought me and edson wouldn't make it. i knew we had differences and problems but i put everything into him and into the idea that it would be just us two forever. no matter how bad the bad is, when you place yourself in someone else's hands and heart it will tear you a part.. which is what this has done to me. don't get me wrong i feel strong and empowered in various ways and feel like what you need to do for yourself isn't always comfortable but the emptiness from absent love is crushing. my heart's a mess but i'm desperate to connect.. this june gloom seems to keep me in bed longer.. take more naps.. feel more heartache. i go to the gym. work on art. read. go hiking. go to the beach. all the things i love but the emptiness is still there. the ache of something missing. something that needed to be removed from my life for now and possibly forever. i've had heartache. from so many different things. it always feels different but you always know it's heartache. always. its the same gut wrenching heaviness in your chest and emptiness everywhere you look. i'm not depressed. if anything i feel light and free. so many emotions and feelings at once and here i am pressing on. moving forward. just move on. but fuck the taste of you is still wet in my mouth and the warmth of your body is still present in my sleep. the reality is that after so long there's still so much you never searched to understand or know about me. as much as you were never enough for me .. i was never going to be enough for you.

It's the end of June and it has been a year since last end of June. A lot changed in my life last June.... I got Frankie!! my little 7 week old baby pitbull. Since then he was in the hospital for a week, sick again a couple months later, grew into an intense possessiveness over food, toys, and me, went through hours and hours of training, caused me not only a lot of money but also a lot of stress and here we are today best friends. At the end of the day no one is like Frankie. In the real world a lot happened as well. I have kept my job at The Marquee successfully for over a year now. I quit Derf's, quit Jitter's, started at Trader Joe's quit Trader Joe's, got a job at Zaytoon's and lasted a month. Now I am only at Marquee. Last July I met a guy named Domenico.. fell in love with this Italian man and at the end of October he had to go back to Italy and was no more. I was heartbroken and was looking for distractions.. and successfully found them but probably didn't need them. I met a guy named Edson and started dating him and by January we had officially become boyfriend and girlfriend. I let all of me love Edson, ALL OF ME. too much and too soon. I only saw redeeming qualities and every non redeeming quality and red flag was pushed aside. By April we were fighting over stupid stuff, he was constantly fickle and we were both broke down. Problems had entered our relationship and we did not know how to successfully communicate through them and work as a team. The beginning of June it ended and as much as I needed and wanted to be freed from it the pain was still there. So now a year has passed and although a lot of pain entered my life this year, a lot of pain is also leaving my life. I recently have been trying to shed unhealthy skin and so far have been quit successful. I have more free time than I've had in a long time and that free time has been dedicated to art and fun. I picked up a job that is once a week, one hour, teaching art to kids which is such a passion of mine. Close doors that need to be closed and the right ones will open. goodbye for now...

"When you feel love You remind me I can feel love We sleep and share the same dream love When we feel love" Oh Ben Harper your music takes me everywhere. I felt your love today the way i did months ago. the words you sent healed part of my wounds. why can't we love the way canines do? unconditionally with joy. my dog is the best guy i'll ever have in my life. he may cause me the most stress and the most money but no one loves me like that one.

i went to yoga today. it's indescribable what could potentially happen to your heart and spirit practicing yoga. i truly believe our physical bodies respond to our heart. our pains and joys. yoga taught me that. along with so much more. i didn't realize how much i've been needing it and haven't gone. we all have an edge. find that edge so things can rise and work out. i'm exploring this quite intensely lately. my heart is tugging one way and broken on the other side. my bed is empty. missing you. but then wanting distance when your close. pain can be seen. pain wants space and distance. de-connect. love just is. doesn't want.....

i missed you last night. the 'you' that beauty glowed from. that glow has been dimmed.. from us. not just me. not just you. us. my thoughts have been nothing but you. if only i knew how to tell you whats deep inside. if only i trusted myself enough ... i missed you tonight. looking over at you. your soft smooth skin. your warm body.. observing through wet eyes.. glistened skin from salt .. my heart isn't finished. i know what i should do but deny it. put it aside. hope for change. since the start of humanity we do nothing but deny what we should do. we do what we don't want to do. fifty times i day "why is this so hard?" runs in circles in my head. ...because my heart is in your hands.. at one point synced with yours. cherished by yours. now it's criticized. unappreciated. stepped on. why do i love you? and for whatever fucking reason my heart cries for you. the thought of you gone brings a heaviness my heart has ever witnessed. the thought of seeing myself constantly dealing with you give up brings a fear with the heaviness. what do you do with a broken heart?

Today was a day where I gave in and said that life just sucks and there's few good times and more often than not I believe that.
I'm indifferent whether that is good or bad.

I wish that I never make you mad, hurt, sad... again. The reality is that I will and probably a lot.
It's hard being two different people. Two separate needs, ideas, cares...
I wish you never wanted space and it was just naturally taken.
I wish today didn't happen more then anything and the shittiest part is that it will NEVER erase.

and now i'm stuck here in the quiet with my mistakes shortcomings.
and in the midst of this I feel like my shortcomings are a lot.

I'd like to think that I have myself put together quite well but that's just a lie. I'm just as messed up as anyone else and most of the time feel more..

trying to sleep when you can't is worse then just getting up and facing the quietness of the night...anticipating a better day to come.

I officially need to change some things. I'm not impressed with where I am in life... Working almost full time as a bartender and part time at trader joes. I'm not doing creative things. The main extra curricular activity would be yoga- which don't getme wrong I LOVE!
It's been depressing me a little that I work so much doing things that aren't related to my talents. They just leave me utterly drained and overwhelmed. No the bar so much but the two combine is quite the combo.
I havE goals and for now having a second job is paying off my debt. Bu when that's dont serious changes and roads need to b changed.

More often then not I find myself in a state of unhappiness with life more then happy.
There are things I like, enjoy doing, want to do ect.. But the hard cold truth is that the bad not just affect my mind and heart but all the way to my soul.
At times it paralyzed and the sad truth is that there are no answers, no cures.. Which deepens the bad.
I'm sitting on the balcony watching the sunset alone because I was yet again, ditched.
And having dinner alone because I was yet again... Ditched.
People hurt people and a lot of the time they either don't care or don't even know they hurt someone because the recipient is too scared to be honest and vulnerable.

So here I lie confused and completely upset at one person..
I see what I "should do" but the battle still lies inside me.
I should walk away.
I hate ABSOLUTELY hate how complicated life can be.
And you never know the outcome of actions
Or other's actions/reactions.


I walked away. I'm at home. The first time I've done that. And as much as I needed to do that- I had a private fit in the car and am deeply upset alone.
Being considerate and loving sucks. It's a hard job.
And some people just aren't.

I went to bed so content last night
Woke up not noticing how I felt
Went to yoga
And it was after yoga I saw a decline on my level of content/happiness.
I couldnt pinpoint what was going on.
Somehow I have to deal or find a way to let it pass unemotionally.

............
Its 4am. Good night

The new sheets and pillow I bought have made a positive difference. Soft and comfy. And as I lie here with my candle glowing... I really couldnt be more content. I feel full in a non food way- I feel lOve for Once- I feel hope- ... These are good and rare for me. So with that said, it's a good night.
It's 3:08am. On my way home from work I stopped to buy a peanut butter snickers bar. Every once in a while ya gotta get a candy bar.

Frankie is doing well. Pretty pleased.
That's all I got before I fall asleep..

Here, I lie in bed with candle light..::.. Serenity I look for often.
Today was Monday- or 2.5 hours ago was- and it was an extreme emotion day. I went from waking up refreshed, to a super fatigued body, to boredom to complete upset.
Ughhhhhhh

"I like you a lot and want to invest time into you."

Fear is present more then usual.
The past is long gone, the future is unseen, so therefore I only have the present. And if I only have the present then all I can do is accept and be.
Courage is opposite of fear but the problem with my fear is that courage doesn't seem to fit that opposite correctly. So is it fear?
Tonight during the emotional detox I re learned and discovered more inside myself.
1. Fear is the prominent emotion I feel, almost underlying.
2. I such down from emotions rather than express and repression is definitely a part of that.
3. I will forever have to work on myself.

I like you a lot and also want to invest time in you as well.

So to catch up from the last entry....
Frankie is in week 2 of school! He's doing great although there is still a lot to work on. Like anything else it takes time and consistency.

Lately I have been faced with or reminded of things in my character or personality that I must not turn my face from.
They're somewhat upsetting considering the fact that every outside source in life is hard enough to deal with so when the inside source (yourself) is hard to deal with, then it's probably time to get serious.
I'm not in an utter state of vulnerability to where I want to elaborate on everything I see. BUT there are a few I know of that I need to write out and ease the tension a little.
I have extremes about me. I get attached too easily or not at all. I am sweet as can be or not at all.
I look around and there are people that have such mellow sweet energy towards everyone that I wish I possessed more of that. But then I face situations where nothing in me trusts the other person and cant be that sweet person that is covered with fear and shell.
Maybe it's good..
Recently I have found myself attaching and I think I do need to be more careful and stand back in a place where it'll be ok no matter the outcome. I don't usually have that outlook but right now, with the events this past year, I think that is most wise for my heart.
My heart, I have found, is extremely fragile. I have tough skin and constantly hear how strong I am but that doesn't disregard the fact that my heart just can't handle pain like others. It sucks and causes me to become very on guard and fearful but I'm not sure what to do about it.

focus on one at a time...

As much as I wanted Frankie and love him it is very clear to me that maybe this just wasn't the proper timing.
I say this for a few large reasons.
1. He was so ill and had way too many health problems from age 2months-5 months and cost me more money than any animal ever should.
2. He is very problematic.
3. Same as above. He is just too problematic.

I am so tired and stressed from Frankie all I have battled in my head this month has been "should I get rid of him or keep him?"
We went to training classes, I've worked with him every day, I've spent time socializing him with both people and dogs, I take him running hiking or on a walk EVERY DAY and he still has serous problems.
The thought of spending another 500$+ dollars for training just makes me sick. I have absolutely no patience for him and am angry with him most of the time.
I feel like there is no hope and I have no energy.
Tonight ended in tears at how much he was acting up.
HE HAS THE BEST FUCKING LIFE and all he does is act up.
I'm so sick of hearing everyone say "he's a puppy hes a puppy" because I know hes a puppy but he also has serous problems that shouldn't be happening.
And the worst part is that at the same time I love the little guy. He can be really sweet.
I'm so utterly upset about this I'm just at my wits end.
I made a decision to go to the humane society tomorrow and ask about my options because I can't do this anymore. He is sucking my life away and it isn't ok.

On another note my heart still hurts and somehow I need to accept the past events and let myself move on.

What an upsetting week. Well frankie has made it upsetting.
Any suggestions??

I am so utterly loved by Frankie it's overwhelming.
No one is more excited when I come home or can't stand being away from me. I'm pretty sure he doesn't get sick of me either.

I need to consider myself lucky.. or fortunate for a better term.

There are a lot of things that I don't understand right now.
That feel left open and stuck. It's extremely uncomfortable and there are no solutions.
I feel like I am walking on broken glass that I broke. Hesitant to move, scared to love, scared to even feel..
Actions can be so loud and painful.
and i know that mine can be too.

I'm not sure whether to scream or cry and I know that screaming is a branch of anger and anger takes the place of pain but really, I should be embracing the pain. BUT how do you really embrace pain I mean c'mon the last thing I want to do is hold pain tight.

I lost 3 days this weekend to poor choices. I don't make poor choices very often but I guess I was really repressed from stuff.

I wish I had a space heater.

I think this is enough for tonight. I just needed a small relief.

Why I love Frankie:
-his facial expressions
-when he yawns he makes a squeaky sound
-he is so wiggly and happy
-he's good at being active and keeping me active
-he LOVES learning more then most things
-he's a walking garbage disposal
-AND he loves me no matter what no exceptions.

Sometimes in the midst of rough seasons reminders of love help to keep going. I really needed this because I've been so trapped in my own head I've become overwhelmed by Frankie. I have a lot of hope that he will be a good dog. He's only 7mos.

Other subjects...

I have a lot I want to share but lack the vulnerability to do so. I think this part is when I would only hand write it in a journal. The thought of releasing this thought into the wild makes me feel like I stand alone.
So.. I shall keep some things to myself.

Today was a good day.
Distractions were experienced and enjoyed.
The sun was out.

I'm adjusting to new balance.
Trying to find the open slots in my schedule.

I'm having a friend's thanksgiving that actually makes me really excited, even if only 2 people. Om

I dreamt about you.
I was trying to find you in a huge house. Almost like the one on the beach in Spotless Mind.
I saw you in each room I looked but when I got close you were gone... Over and over..
I woke up realizing it was a dream but then knowing it was also reality except I can't even see you.

It's confirmed you lied.
An addiction of itself.
It's confirmed that my hopes and dreams are worthless and should have died when you left.
I want to wish I never met you and I can't find why I dont.

I picture mysf erasing the past months. Almost as though I had the end of a pencil and was erasing the last two pages of a book being written. Once erased the pages are blank but not fresh and crisp.. You can still see the wear.
Just like me..
Erasing life doesn't exist.
It just makes me think about the Spotless Mind.. The beauty of that script. Two people erasing immense pain from each other and once they do fate still draws them together.

I wonder what it's like to feel whole.
And how many people actually do..

I still don't know why I have abandoned handwritten journals for my blog except for the fact that sometimes typing is just faster then writing.
I like this blog. It also doesn't run out of paper or stack up on my bookshelf.
I don't share everything but it is sufficient.

I'm buying Frankie private training lessons with someone who is extremely knowledgeable about pitbulls. At first I couldn't imagine spending more money then I thought about the long run and how good this really will be.

..........
I still haven't heard from you.
I don't know what I did for you to not write back or call. Not even give me the time of day. Somehow miles between us caused you to forget about me.
It's very apparent that I'm not important to you.
The biggest problem I have with this is that it is so fucking unfair of you to show yourself to me as someone you aren't.
Not even close to the person I see now. My gut trusted you. And my heart. I don't come by that everyday and when I do it is so important to me so this, for now, is the biggest mystery in my life and honestly I am beyond sick of trying to not think about I because all it does is haunt my blood.
It isn't just thoughts running around in my head it's affecting my whole body.
I won't let this happen again.

The memories are like shadows
The light won't let them disappear.

I wish I knew why.
Abandonment.
The word used to describe what you've done.
Makes sense.
Leave someone with no return and fill them with lies.
And you're ok with it which leads me to realize that you're a fake.
A fucking fake.
Well turns out that I have enough fake in my life.
Fuck you.

I know it's been raining on you.

It's been pouring for a month now.
The way I felt driving away is haunting me.
The way you wiped my tears that last day and told me to just call you.
This love that was found is now shattered on the ground.
I look at the pieces every day thinking maybe I will find the right glue today..
or maybe.. it will find me.
Nothing has hurt more then that stupid four letter word. L.O.V.E.
"it is better to love then to never love."
Who the fuck said that anyways?
It's bullshit.
The pain of a broken heart is so unbearable that I would rather not allow love.

I want so badly to say that I hate you.
That I wish I never met you.
That you didn't make a huge dent in my heart, who I am, how I view life...

But the fucking problem is that all I think about is the next time we will talk.
If life has enough grace to shed on me to allow it.
So far love has only served me pain.
Night after night of haunting heartache.
Now I lie here drowning in tears and the memory of you..
A ghost.

Help, I have done it again.
I have been here many times before.
And the worse part is there's no one else to blame.
I have lost myself again.
I have lost myself and I feel unsafe.
I am no where to be found
.. and I think I might break.

A coma might feel better then this.
Attempting to discover where to begin.
You're weighed down, you're full of something.
Of sickness and desertion.

So say goodbye to love
there's no need to rush
we're all just waiting to die.

hoping a better place is all i need..
when you're underneath it all.

all you're friends seem like enemies
when you're broken down and empty.

hello again

it's been a while since i have visited you.
no reason aside from not taking time to write.
i do know that i need this.
i need a lot..
and it's hard to admit.
hard to look at.
but most of all i need you.
you know who you are if you could read this.
and the sad thing is that you won't read this.
not only because you can't but it's not a part of your day.

.l.o.v.e.
you are possibly the hardest part to this life no matter how you are approached or used.
there are times where i wish i didn't love but i know deep down that you are the most beautiful part of this world.
the one thing i ask that will never be answered is why is love ripped away? and when it is why so painfully?
it's unbearable. absolutely unbearable.
the sadness and fog that enter an absent heart is like non other.
and all this time we have this facade that love happens in the movies. there may be some hurdles and distress but love always wins.
not in this life.
not when you pull your face away from the script and your eyes away from the lens.

within the first hour i met you.. you said to me "when you find love and have love nothing else matters." and you picked up the cash on the bar and tossed it "money doesn't matter."
but here we are looking at the exact opposite of that first night in the candlelight.
love is last.
now for me that makes sense for fragility that love should be last.
especially when it's unbearable to watch it fly away.

don't forget me.

It can be so empty.
Quiet.

But I just want to be alone tonight

And I sill miss you.

Because Faith is Real.

It is comforting to know that sorrow stays only for the night and then it takes it's leave in the morning. And a thunderstorm is very brief compared to a long summer day.

Never send.

No good truth would come if this was handed to someone.
So here is the letter I want to officially write but never will as follows=
"Hi. Can you please be honest. I see that it's hard for you. Maybe if you started with being honest with yourself you'll find how free it is. Let go.
The worst part is that you don't realize the reality of this. You want to be this person, this way but you aren't. At least not yet. So in the meantime, make it a little easier on everyone if you could be honest with yourself. "

There. Done. G'night.

but i do

.I.wish.I.didn't.care.

somuch