"See Love is a drink that goes straight to my head... and time is a lover and I'm caught in her stare... and the sentiment there follows me straight to my bed through the night. I've got my life in a suitcase I'm ready to run run run away...and I've got no time cuz I'm always tryin to run run run away..."
-Copeland.
Sometimes song lyrics speak my heart better then I ever could.
For a long time I lived with everything in a suitcase and there are a lot of moments that still pops up.
I still dream of owning a VW van, living in it, doing art, and traveling. What a life huh?
If I could stay up as late as I wanted/needed every night without worrying about getting up early I would be pretty happy. Nights are my favorite. Not going to bed nightime but staying up past others when its quiet and my mind can go along with my creativity. I feel better when I can stay up.
That's why this week is so great. No kids at school and the job I have this week is to paint. =]
There were parts of yesterday that really sucked and I wanted to get out my frustrations in ways that wouldn't be ok. But I didn't. Actually I wanted to say f*#k you but I didn't because I knew that saying that just makes things worse and no matter how much I may have felt that, the reality is that I would have regretted it huge.
Talked to Lia today and always puts me back into reality. I think a failing point I have from being so darn creative is that I daydream WAY too much and I also don't live in reality that way I should and its always at very important times.
Lia reminded me today that reality is what it is and that is what we're dealing with. Its hard to explain without going into details. But our conversation very much encouraged me and gave me a much needed strength. And the greatest part is that it had nothing to do with my life but hers. She wasn't telling me what I need to do or what I'm doing wrong, she just shared her own life and state of mind/actions and I was very much encouraged.
I am extremely blessed to live in the house I live in.
Brittany and Jared love me and never once have I questioned that. They've been in my life for almost ten years now and have shown me unconditional love in so many ways. I have done stupid stuff, turned my back on things ...ect.. and they are always there. Loyal people.
It really makes a difference to have loyal people in your life.
I still miss the beach. I hate wanted two places in one, and a lot of that is my friends/family and where they're located.
Bleh.
Now off to do something with my life...
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Monday, June 28, 2010
Day 3
I just finished painting for 6 hours with only a 10 minute break. My lower back is definitely sore from standing on the ladder. But .. I got a lot done which was nice to bust out on a monday.
One thing about painting is that its not a social thing so its just me and the canvas for hours which can be quite bad if you think as much as I do.
So today, even though I had music, I did a lot of thinking through stuff.
I have resulted with some frustrations but they are the kind where the situation I'm frustrated at is a situation I have no control over.
But needless to say I feel crappy about it and frustrated but being frustrated never helps anyone.
I'm going to work out to relieve the tightness in my shoulders from painting and to stay in shape =]
then possibly read in the hot tub. LOVE doing that.
I am pretty sure I have had a little too much alone time since saturday and will continue to have too much due to painting a mural and house-sitting out in the country. But maybe it will be good in the end.
we'll see.
Day 3.
One thing about painting is that its not a social thing so its just me and the canvas for hours which can be quite bad if you think as much as I do.
So today, even though I had music, I did a lot of thinking through stuff.
I have resulted with some frustrations but they are the kind where the situation I'm frustrated at is a situation I have no control over.
But needless to say I feel crappy about it and frustrated but being frustrated never helps anyone.
I'm going to work out to relieve the tightness in my shoulders from painting and to stay in shape =]
then possibly read in the hot tub. LOVE doing that.
I am pretty sure I have had a little too much alone time since saturday and will continue to have too much due to painting a mural and house-sitting out in the country. But maybe it will be good in the end.
we'll see.
Day 3.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Because I don't want to be alone tonight.. Pick up my soul..
I finished this tonight. When I started it I really had no hopes of it turning out to be what it is and just took it as it came.
I wish I could do that with life more then I do. I mean.. approach it the way I approach art. I guess sometimes I do and sometimes taking things that seem right or fun along the way end in pain or mistake. Hmmm.. maybe I should process this thought more. . .
So often a pain hits me that is old. Long gone situation that continues to bring that pain. But its a feeling and feelings aren't always reality. Now the ability to make that the way my heart deals and how I move through life is a totally different story.
And when a new situation poisons with pain it just seems to strike up that old cut again.
Someday it won't.
Maybe someday, while I'm still alive, this can become only a memory and not a pain.
But some things hurt now that didn't hurt when I was young.
I may not understand why but I want to hold hope as I try to let go.
I wrote something just in May that seems to be the closest description of my heart over this past year. here it is=====
In the death of hope I want to blame You.
While some are looking forward to something
...waiting for the dawn of a new day...
my heart seems empty.
Something along the way strangled joy from my soul . . .
and I haven't been able to find the root.
A locked metal box of crap lies within,
scared to open, to see the rotted pieces,
Although, someday it must be uncovered and I don't hold the key.
If I don't open up to let Him search my heart,
this emptiness will only grow.
So take these burdens.
Lighten the heaviness that weighs on my chest.
Unpeel these stressed hands.
Bring peace in the dark
and remove the dreams that keep the night from being sound.
When these memories haunt me,
lies begin to drown me.
My mouth can speak the truth ..
..but it remains distant from within.
I can't seem to wait for night to arrive
But I wish morning was farther.
Can I please wake when it's over?
I look down and everything needs to change.
All I see are knots I can't undo,
and clouds full of rain.
All I can do is surrender
but I keep fighting the wrong fight.
Radiance was once seen
But tears washed it away.
Joy was once within
But lies have blacked it out
I once saw tomorrow
and now I see tonight.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
sad i know. but sometimes thats all thats within. i added this because i am better then i was when i wrote this, granted i still have these feelings. they just aren't all the time like they were.
something is going on in me and around me and change is on the horizon. .
a change that really could go any direction it pleased and i don't want to hold the decisions.
the thing that has just been circling and circling my brain since yesterday morning is the lack of obedience i have had with God. and i find it most in the small things.. like what i should be doing throughout the day, what opportunities i should be taking, what i should share or hold in, what i should focus on or not focus on. and bigger then that is my lack of prayer in general. taking God for granted is something i've fallen into and i'm afraid i'm very ashamed of that.
not to be a grace-taker but man i'm grateful to be forgiven and constantly redeemed.
"Someone come and save my life.." -City and Colour.
aside from God, writing cleanses me more then most things. the sunset used to be that for me. living in california you can 90% guarantee the sunset and that was a mandatory date i had everyday. i would process the whole day and gaze at God's amazing creation. it never seemed to blow my mind.
i haven't found that here yet. ya there's sunsets but getting to the right place is a slight hassle and they just aren't the same. (pollution*wink*wink).
someday.
...when your body wants to run but your heart wants to stay...
man these past two days have been slightly bleh. and now the weekend is over.
Day 2 of break....
It's sunday.
I woke up to a noise at 9am and felt like I could have slept until noon. But I got up because I was supposed to meet a friend at 9. Good thing they were late too =]
I am still tired. I hardly got any sleep friday night and that moved into last night and now its already sunday. But the great thing is that this week I will be writing my own schedule for work and technically I don't have to go in. But I have a list of art stuff they have me doing.
Lots of walls to paint, logo to finish, and possibly starting on the yearbook. We'll see how far I get.
I'm also house-sitting part of this week which will be a nice quiet break. Quiet is good at times.
I missed church today. I didn't really want to but kinda had to. =/
A lot has been going through my head yesterday and today. I want to get it down and out but at the same token I'm not sure these are things I want to share.
To say the least.. I'm confused, slightly irritated, feeling slight anticipation, and possibly a little fearful.
My nerves have been quite high.
The good thing is that I am only living in the right now moment. I do not own the key to know my future all I can do is continue to strive to obey God's direction which I have horribly failed at numerous times.
This is a constant struggle. To only think about the present.
So what I am going to do now is lay on the couch and watch The Lovely Bones to have a break from life and to rest.
Then possibly some art and God-time. Two very much needed things.
I woke up to a noise at 9am and felt like I could have slept until noon. But I got up because I was supposed to meet a friend at 9. Good thing they were late too =]
I am still tired. I hardly got any sleep friday night and that moved into last night and now its already sunday. But the great thing is that this week I will be writing my own schedule for work and technically I don't have to go in. But I have a list of art stuff they have me doing.
Lots of walls to paint, logo to finish, and possibly starting on the yearbook. We'll see how far I get.
I'm also house-sitting part of this week which will be a nice quiet break. Quiet is good at times.
I missed church today. I didn't really want to but kinda had to. =/
A lot has been going through my head yesterday and today. I want to get it down and out but at the same token I'm not sure these are things I want to share.
To say the least.. I'm confused, slightly irritated, feeling slight anticipation, and possibly a little fearful.
My nerves have been quite high.
The good thing is that I am only living in the right now moment. I do not own the key to know my future all I can do is continue to strive to obey God's direction which I have horribly failed at numerous times.
This is a constant struggle. To only think about the present.
So what I am going to do now is lay on the couch and watch The Lovely Bones to have a break from life and to rest.
Then possibly some art and God-time. Two very much needed things.
Saturday, June 26, 2010
almost end of day 1
One of my best friend's nephew passed away from Cystic Fibrosis two nights ago (thursday). He was 8 years old and battled the disease his whole life that literally took his breathe away.
His name is Conner and his parent's are Brad and Sarah.
I just read her blog that she started so she could track events that happened along the way as well as just simply sharing.
It was very painful to read the pain they have gone through the past couple days. I could never ever imagine losing a child.
The pain will probably be unbearable for a while.
It's things like this that happen that put lives like mine into perspective.
I don't have unbearable pain.
I work with kids who should constantly be putting my life into perspective but in order to cope as humans, we automatically learn to become numb to some degree.
I don't really know the point to sharing all of this except for the fact that its extremely sad to read about and know that families go through this unbearable pain a lot.
Day 1 of my break was externally good and sunny but I felt very alone.
I was around people all day but that ache of feeling alone was very present and only seems more present as the night grows.
Feeling alone is a weird feeling because it can fall upon you at any given moment and its a very heavy feeling. The truth is that I am not alone but the struggle remains.
His name is Conner and his parent's are Brad and Sarah.
I just read her blog that she started so she could track events that happened along the way as well as just simply sharing.
It was very painful to read the pain they have gone through the past couple days. I could never ever imagine losing a child.
The pain will probably be unbearable for a while.
It's things like this that happen that put lives like mine into perspective.
I don't have unbearable pain.
I work with kids who should constantly be putting my life into perspective but in order to cope as humans, we automatically learn to become numb to some degree.
I don't really know the point to sharing all of this except for the fact that its extremely sad to read about and know that families go through this unbearable pain a lot.
Day 1 of my break was externally good and sunny but I felt very alone.
I was around people all day but that ache of feeling alone was very present and only seems more present as the night grows.
Feeling alone is a weird feeling because it can fall upon you at any given moment and its a very heavy feeling. The truth is that I am not alone but the struggle remains.
Day 1
"If I truly believe the past is totally forgiven, the present is supplied with power, and the future is bright with hope, how could I be anything but completely happy?"
-L.B. Cowman
Now its just the hard part. Believing that this is truth throughout my mistakes and thorns.
Well God is good.
I'm listening to the album Promises For The Imperfect by Number One Gun and oh my I forgot how much this album pulls my heart strings in a very great way!!
I'm now on a break from the kids at school and fleeing to cali for a couple days sure does sound extremely relieving!
Today is Saturday and this is day 1 of break.
So far..
I woke up entirely too early. =/
I sat in the hot tub for 45 minutes.
I made Cafe Vita French Press =]
I made french toast and ate it in a healthy way .. haha..
The day is still young.
-L.B. Cowman
Now its just the hard part. Believing that this is truth throughout my mistakes and thorns.
Well God is good.
I'm listening to the album Promises For The Imperfect by Number One Gun and oh my I forgot how much this album pulls my heart strings in a very great way!!
I'm now on a break from the kids at school and fleeing to cali for a couple days sure does sound extremely relieving!
Today is Saturday and this is day 1 of break.
So far..
I woke up entirely too early. =/
I sat in the hot tub for 45 minutes.
I made Cafe Vita French Press =]
I made french toast and ate it in a healthy way .. haha..
The day is still young.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
yep
I didn't feel the greatest today. Extremely tired, allergy ridden, and very achy (which I think is from stress). I could possibly be catching a cold. bleh. =/
SO.. I went to the chiropracter, had coffee with a friend outside, then went in the hot tub.
Feel better but not great.
Two more days till no kids for a week and a half. I thought it was for 2 weeks but not quite which was very sad considering I had huge plans for myself.
I have more to say but i'm too tired.
Good night.
SO.. I went to the chiropracter, had coffee with a friend outside, then went in the hot tub.
Feel better but not great.
Two more days till no kids for a week and a half. I thought it was for 2 weeks but not quite which was very sad considering I had huge plans for myself.
I have more to say but i'm too tired.
Good night.
Monday, June 21, 2010
GG and God.
This is the new addition to our home/family. She is so loved its absolutely ridiculous. She's a baby bunny (that I think was wild) but was rescued from the mouth of a cat. And she is a cuddly one. I don't think I have ever loved a little furry thing more. I am allergic to her. .. but I'm dealing ;] . Elliot (3 yrs old) has decided to name her Great Grandfather. Haha.. So Brittany has decided to shorten to GG. She came home quite traumatized saturday night and cuddled with me for the first 4 hours. We have showered her with attention, lettuce, broccoli and apples and today her ears are up and she's hopping around like she owns the house! Success!
On another note.. after this friday the kids are out of school for two weeks. Mind you the school has a list of art projects for me a mile long BUT I will still take a break and I am so stinkin excited.
I'm feelin slightly indifferent about the weekend because I totally slept saturday away and didn't really do anything else the rest of the night. I went to church sunday and it was a great sermon. Had lunch with friends. Then I went to a graduation. It wasn't as bad as I remember mine ;] the only real bad part was the weather. I enjoyed the company I was with and proud to see a graduate!
Today my boss called me into my office to talk about some stuff and one of them was to tell me how he was able to put Sunday's church sermon into action that same day. (We go to the same church). That was just an extra plus because really. .. how many boss' can you just sit and process with about a church sermon?
I can to some conclusions this weekend that I used to have down but let dissipate over the years. I needed some rejuvenation.
So I decided to embrace heartache. Embrace trials. Embrace consequences. And not just embrace joy but squeeze it until there is none.
This is hard; to embrace pain. Who really wants to embrace pain?
I also decided to make much more of an effort to surrender my will over to God. This has been a huge weight for me because I have fought the surrender.
But I must do it.
I also decided to trust God. I know.. seems like it should be something I have down but I don't. I haven't wanted to allow it but now I can't avoid it anymore. Its not ok for me to not try to trust the One who has freely given grace, unconditionally loved, and saved me.
All of this has been big steps.. well baby steps .. but I am trying. My heart has been fighting and today I've felt heavy but I don't want to keep giving up.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
"I'm losing hope, there's a whole in my heart that 's been cut out of stone."
"A summer drive away from dying; a broken heart nothing to lose. I know it hurts so bad just trying to please the ones you hate to love. And I wrote this note about someone I used to know so I'd remember how life can be so short when you're left alone to wonder how it is someone opens and shuts the door. .... Love is empty, love is cruel, love it blindly breaks the rules. How could you have been a fool? .. You choke back tears and swallow lies but those wiper blades can't fix your eyes, count on having clouded vision for at least a little while. .. We won't forget the past. Say all the answers and I will let you go, I won't look back."
-Headlights by Classic Crime.
Thank you Classic Crime for a consistent amount of good lyrics.
Don't play live at showbox sodo again... the sound absolutely sucks.
This morning I slept like crap. I got up to go to breakfast and take tylenol for my headache. Little did I know I took freakin Tylenol PM. So I came home and passed out until just a little while ago. But I actually don't regret it at all because I needed to sleep half a day away and not care that I do so.
It's raining today. I would not care or EVER miss the rain if I never saw it again.
I don't like rain.
I've tried to like it.
I've looked at all the green and still cannot like the rain.
PPffftt..
Well hello saturday.
-Headlights by Classic Crime.
Thank you Classic Crime for a consistent amount of good lyrics.
Don't play live at showbox sodo again... the sound absolutely sucks.
This morning I slept like crap. I got up to go to breakfast and take tylenol for my headache. Little did I know I took freakin Tylenol PM. So I came home and passed out until just a little while ago. But I actually don't regret it at all because I needed to sleep half a day away and not care that I do so.
It's raining today. I would not care or EVER miss the rain if I never saw it again.
I don't like rain.
I've tried to like it.
I've looked at all the green and still cannot like the rain.
PPffftt..
Well hello saturday.
Jesus, I believe, help me in my unbelief.
I absolutely could not wait for friday to come this week. Now friday is over and it has ended absolutely disasterous.
I know all the reasons why.
I know what I could have done better.
And I failed myself horribly.
My thoughts on tomorrow (saturday even though its already early saturday morning) are instinctly negative. The first thing that comes to mind is that its a joke how people say tomorrow is a new day.
I'm having a hard time believing that BUT I really really really want to not think negatively.
I don't want to utterly fail myself like I keep doing.
So I am forcing it upon myself that tomorrow is a new day even though I am beyond upset about today.
Someday.. this won't be my story anymore.
Everyday we're working out our salvation and everyday He continues to redeem us. That is truth now I need to believe it.
Jesus, I believe, help me in my unbelief.
I know all the reasons why.
I know what I could have done better.
And I failed myself horribly.
My thoughts on tomorrow (saturday even though its already early saturday morning) are instinctly negative. The first thing that comes to mind is that its a joke how people say tomorrow is a new day.
I'm having a hard time believing that BUT I really really really want to not think negatively.
I don't want to utterly fail myself like I keep doing.
So I am forcing it upon myself that tomorrow is a new day even though I am beyond upset about today.
Someday.. this won't be my story anymore.
Everyday we're working out our salvation and everyday He continues to redeem us. That is truth now I need to believe it.
Jesus, I believe, help me in my unbelief.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Its the small things..
Tomorrow is friday. Thank you. Can't wait. I've never wanted a week to end so bad.
Work has been insanely intense and my nerves haven't been taking it so well.
I have the house to myself this weekend for which I am stoked for, even though I love who I live with.
One of the greatest things about being a follower of Christ is that those close to you following the same thing really are family. I live with Brittany, Jared, Elliot and Lincoln Potter. Brittany is practically my sister but we don't fight and Jared is definitely like a brother, especially since we're practically goin on 10yrs of freindship. It's great.
Tomorrow night I am going to Seattle (YES!) to hang and see some live music. One of my favorite things to do.
I tattooed again today. The thing that sucks is that I truly love the art of it I just can't handle the industry. That's ok, that's why it is now a hobby.
The thing I am constantly learning that has been whispering in my ear lately is that we will always fight to be content. I really am doing what I love in many aspects. I teach art + all the other subjects that I don't know ;). I help kids in probably a bigger way then I know as of now. AND .. my work pays me to paint murals, make year-books, create logos, and pretty much any art thing they need.
I'm getting paid to be a kid all day and do art.
BUT.. I don't think I will have it in me to work at such an intense school forever. The point to all this is that even doing what I "love" there is still that battle. Thank you Paul for saying that you are constantly learning to be content.
I am not alone.
Although its easy to be consumed by that feeling.
Which is why we consume our days with stuff stuff stuff.
Someday I'll have more of a handle on taking solitude like I used to. I used to be a rockstar at it. I spend quite the amount of time alone but not in the solitude that heals.
Climbing uphill trying to enjoy the scenery as I pass it by.
I guess this life is suppossed to be full of trials and tribulations and small amounts of joy that you must hold onto. One day it won't be like this and more then ever I wish that day was today.
No more tears, no more pain, no more struggle.
thank you Jesus for making that tangeable.
Work has been insanely intense and my nerves haven't been taking it so well.
I have the house to myself this weekend for which I am stoked for, even though I love who I live with.
One of the greatest things about being a follower of Christ is that those close to you following the same thing really are family. I live with Brittany, Jared, Elliot and Lincoln Potter. Brittany is practically my sister but we don't fight and Jared is definitely like a brother, especially since we're practically goin on 10yrs of freindship. It's great.
Tomorrow night I am going to Seattle (YES!) to hang and see some live music. One of my favorite things to do.
I tattooed again today. The thing that sucks is that I truly love the art of it I just can't handle the industry. That's ok, that's why it is now a hobby.
The thing I am constantly learning that has been whispering in my ear lately is that we will always fight to be content. I really am doing what I love in many aspects. I teach art + all the other subjects that I don't know ;). I help kids in probably a bigger way then I know as of now. AND .. my work pays me to paint murals, make year-books, create logos, and pretty much any art thing they need.
I'm getting paid to be a kid all day and do art.
BUT.. I don't think I will have it in me to work at such an intense school forever. The point to all this is that even doing what I "love" there is still that battle. Thank you Paul for saying that you are constantly learning to be content.
I am not alone.
Although its easy to be consumed by that feeling.
Which is why we consume our days with stuff stuff stuff.
Someday I'll have more of a handle on taking solitude like I used to. I used to be a rockstar at it. I spend quite the amount of time alone but not in the solitude that heals.
Climbing uphill trying to enjoy the scenery as I pass it by.
I guess this life is suppossed to be full of trials and tribulations and small amounts of joy that you must hold onto. One day it won't be like this and more then ever I wish that day was today.
No more tears, no more pain, no more struggle.
thank you Jesus for making that tangeable.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
do i have to title everything ?
Today work left me quite scared of being there. I mean since day one I have been a little on edge while there due to the amount of aggression the students have. But today was a little much.
It was kinda just one event but done by a kid who goes for the kill when his aggression explodes which lately has been every day, sometimes more than once. This is the second time in two weeks he has tried to hurt people.
Last time he tried pushing desks into us (us being teachers] and successfully hit me with a hard back math book.
Today he threw a medium sized school chair with metal legs at another kid. No hesitation and the chair had metal legs and is far from light.
This kid weighs more then me.
Enough said.
I also received an email this afternoon from my boss expressing how much they appreciate me and how much I am doing there that is good.
Nice ending.
I also tattooed today for 4 hours. The last time I tattooed was in August. Yikes. But it went fine.
That was my day.
Now I am eating one of my favorite things .. dark chocolate chips and soon I will be creating something spectacular in illustrator. =] another one of my favorite things.
I am also very very very very excited to not have to go to work tomorrow. One of my other favorite things to do is wake up whenever I do, make a fresh french press, grab a book and journal and enjoy the morning outside (if its sunny) and take my time doing so.
and i don't have to go to bed early tonight because I love staying up late, especially when it involves creating something.
It was kinda just one event but done by a kid who goes for the kill when his aggression explodes which lately has been every day, sometimes more than once. This is the second time in two weeks he has tried to hurt people.
Last time he tried pushing desks into us (us being teachers] and successfully hit me with a hard back math book.
Today he threw a medium sized school chair with metal legs at another kid. No hesitation and the chair had metal legs and is far from light.
This kid weighs more then me.
Enough said.
I also received an email this afternoon from my boss expressing how much they appreciate me and how much I am doing there that is good.
Nice ending.
I also tattooed today for 4 hours. The last time I tattooed was in August. Yikes. But it went fine.
That was my day.
Now I am eating one of my favorite things .. dark chocolate chips and soon I will be creating something spectacular in illustrator. =] another one of my favorite things.
I am also very very very very excited to not have to go to work tomorrow. One of my other favorite things to do is wake up whenever I do, make a fresh french press, grab a book and journal and enjoy the morning outside (if its sunny) and take my time doing so.
and i don't have to go to bed early tonight because I love staying up late, especially when it involves creating something.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Rejection
I can't decide whether I want this day to end or if I feel like there just aren't enough hours in today.
This morning was the first morning I woke up and actually said out loud that 'the last place I want to go to today is work'.
I mean.. I love my job. But being drained takes out that part of life.. loving things.
Or having the energy to do so.
Well I went and it went pretty fast and now its over. Then I came home and went on a 2.5 mile jog. I've been doing that 2-3x a week along with some Jillian Michael's workouts (which I love).
No matter how sad I am or how much I deep down really don't want to do anything or really lack a care to do anything, I won't ever let myself just sleep days away and become a lazy couch potato. It just isn't in my genes. SO that I guess I am thankful for.
I do want things to change very much so but I have no control. I want to not worry so much. I really just want to sit back and be in the moment.
Something along the way this past year has damaged that in me. I haven't given up although I want to, and there are times where I partially do give up.
Like for instance, I haven't even tried to extend the energy to paint since april and the only reason I painted then was because I had to paint at an art show.
I want to but whatever is in me doesn't want to. Does that make sense?
Thats partially why I feel like there's not enough hours in the day. If I started to paint now after not painting for so long I would probably need a lot more time then 3 hours. And it's already 7:30pm.
I think that rejection is the hardest thing for a person to deal with. It brings up a plethra of issues and manifests in crappy ways. I think it's capable of paralyzing a person for a period of time.
Lately it seems that the people I care the most about have rejected me and given up on me. Mind you I say "seems" because for all I know its not the truth and I'm trying to think good intentions.
I know what I "need" to do but for some lame reason the things we need to do are always the hardest and most painful.
So tonight maybe I'll try to chisel away a little more of the stubbornness that is drowning me.
Tomorrow is a mid-week friday for me. The kids won't be in school wednesday and I am therefore going to take a personal day which I am stoked for.
This morning was the first morning I woke up and actually said out loud that 'the last place I want to go to today is work'.
I mean.. I love my job. But being drained takes out that part of life.. loving things.
Or having the energy to do so.
Well I went and it went pretty fast and now its over. Then I came home and went on a 2.5 mile jog. I've been doing that 2-3x a week along with some Jillian Michael's workouts (which I love).
No matter how sad I am or how much I deep down really don't want to do anything or really lack a care to do anything, I won't ever let myself just sleep days away and become a lazy couch potato. It just isn't in my genes. SO that I guess I am thankful for.
I do want things to change very much so but I have no control. I want to not worry so much. I really just want to sit back and be in the moment.
Something along the way this past year has damaged that in me. I haven't given up although I want to, and there are times where I partially do give up.
Like for instance, I haven't even tried to extend the energy to paint since april and the only reason I painted then was because I had to paint at an art show.
I want to but whatever is in me doesn't want to. Does that make sense?
Thats partially why I feel like there's not enough hours in the day. If I started to paint now after not painting for so long I would probably need a lot more time then 3 hours. And it's already 7:30pm.
I think that rejection is the hardest thing for a person to deal with. It brings up a plethra of issues and manifests in crappy ways. I think it's capable of paralyzing a person for a period of time.
Lately it seems that the people I care the most about have rejected me and given up on me. Mind you I say "seems" because for all I know its not the truth and I'm trying to think good intentions.
I know what I "need" to do but for some lame reason the things we need to do are always the hardest and most painful.
So tonight maybe I'll try to chisel away a little more of the stubbornness that is drowning me.
Tomorrow is a mid-week friday for me. The kids won't be in school wednesday and I am therefore going to take a personal day which I am stoked for.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Change?
I want more then anything for this season of life to end.
I'm over it.
And I feel restless.
My heart is so sick of hurting that it has now turned angry.
This is what happened last August.
I won't repeat how I dealt with it but my first instinct is to do so.
I don't like being mad at all but my stubbornness doesn't want to take action to fix it because the situation and consequences won't change at all.. just me. And honestly, that is quite frustrating and depressing.
This is the point where I want to run.
And the sad thing is that maybe only one person knows as much as this stupid blogspot knows about whats going on with me and the extent of my feelings about it all.
Thats my fault and I know it but the battle to trust is so deeply broken within me that its not even near easy to trust.
It just seems to lead to a road of more brokenness and more people giving up on you.
As I write this I realize how depressing this sounds. Writing is the one place where I can be the most vulnerable and the most transparent.
I wish you would change.
I'm over it.
And I feel restless.
My heart is so sick of hurting that it has now turned angry.
This is what happened last August.
I won't repeat how I dealt with it but my first instinct is to do so.
I don't like being mad at all but my stubbornness doesn't want to take action to fix it because the situation and consequences won't change at all.. just me. And honestly, that is quite frustrating and depressing.
This is the point where I want to run.
And the sad thing is that maybe only one person knows as much as this stupid blogspot knows about whats going on with me and the extent of my feelings about it all.
Thats my fault and I know it but the battle to trust is so deeply broken within me that its not even near easy to trust.
It just seems to lead to a road of more brokenness and more people giving up on you.
As I write this I realize how depressing this sounds. Writing is the one place where I can be the most vulnerable and the most transparent.
I wish you would change.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
....not by my own strength...
Today at school my students were 98% productive. That means that all but 3 of them finished all of their work. This kind of day happens only 5 times a school-year (they're year round).
I work at a school that some might call special needs or alternative but the reality is that it is the last resort for a kid to be able to gain an education but the thing they gain more than that is people caring for them.
Most of them are mentally ill which makes them extremely unstable. I am still very much on the fence about mental illness, medicine and how God might feel or say about all of this but I do notice a change when these kids aren't on the medicine. On the flip side.. there medicine does not cure them by any means. Only attempts to stabilize them.
Out of the 40 kids that attend this school there are probably only about 10 that have their real parents caring for them and usually it is only one of them.
The neglect and trauma these kids have gone through is so heavy its utterly heartbreaking. The first few weeks of work I couldn't get this job out of my head. I would get off work, keep it together and do my own thing until I laid down at night. Then everything I saw and heard at work would replay in my head almost haunting me and I could not clear my thoughts. Then I would dream all night about it.
The worst part is that I would be happy about the weekend but on Saturday's I would completely have a breakdown like I would see the kids have during the week.
Things are better now. Much better. At this moment I feel like I am coping well but I never really know until time has passed the full manifestation of all of this.
These kids are tough. On a daily basis we get spit on, sworn at, assaulted, threatened, challenged, and most days we have to restrain kids.
Never have I shook so much from adrenaline than I have at this job. I think with time that part will become more calm and I will become more confident and comfortable but when a kid is throwing a desk or other object at you, your first instinct is to run. But we can't run.
I very much feel insanely blessed to have this job. I love those kids and what keeps me going is that our school is the not only the best and safest part of their day, but it could possibly be the best season of their life and I am apart of that.
I've always wanted to give my heart to underprivileged kids and here I am doing it.
.. not by my own strength..
I work at a school that some might call special needs or alternative but the reality is that it is the last resort for a kid to be able to gain an education but the thing they gain more than that is people caring for them.
Most of them are mentally ill which makes them extremely unstable. I am still very much on the fence about mental illness, medicine and how God might feel or say about all of this but I do notice a change when these kids aren't on the medicine. On the flip side.. there medicine does not cure them by any means. Only attempts to stabilize them.
Out of the 40 kids that attend this school there are probably only about 10 that have their real parents caring for them and usually it is only one of them.
The neglect and trauma these kids have gone through is so heavy its utterly heartbreaking. The first few weeks of work I couldn't get this job out of my head. I would get off work, keep it together and do my own thing until I laid down at night. Then everything I saw and heard at work would replay in my head almost haunting me and I could not clear my thoughts. Then I would dream all night about it.
The worst part is that I would be happy about the weekend but on Saturday's I would completely have a breakdown like I would see the kids have during the week.
Things are better now. Much better. At this moment I feel like I am coping well but I never really know until time has passed the full manifestation of all of this.
These kids are tough. On a daily basis we get spit on, sworn at, assaulted, threatened, challenged, and most days we have to restrain kids.
Never have I shook so much from adrenaline than I have at this job. I think with time that part will become more calm and I will become more confident and comfortable but when a kid is throwing a desk or other object at you, your first instinct is to run. But we can't run.
I very much feel insanely blessed to have this job. I love those kids and what keeps me going is that our school is the not only the best and safest part of their day, but it could possibly be the best season of their life and I am apart of that.
I've always wanted to give my heart to underprivileged kids and here I am doing it.
.. not by my own strength..
There will be bumps in the road
I've always looked up to my brother and sister and as years pass I have eyes to see the not so good stuff that we've picked up from our childhood. Whether it be faults, habits, insecurities or fear they all kinda stink.
I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that my fight to leave my past behind me will possibly be a lifetime event. Each time I conquer something (or think I've conquered it) there is always something deeper. I don't know that I have found the root to anything because the times I think I do, not too soon after something brings up that repression or bitterness once more.
I've spent many hours being sad, mad, bitter, and resentful at my growing up and as much as I say I want to be completely done with those feelings and frame of mind there are still times it haunts me.
The hardest part is that when trials and hurtful events happen in the present I'm not so good at dealing with it. I've seen that other repressed feelings from things completely unrelated spring up and cause that much more trauma in my heart. I know that it is partly because I haven't fully dealt with everything and partly because if it rings close to what has happened in the past, those same feelings re-visit. It's my fault to not separate the two and to not be more diligent about these issues.
As much as my job is very hard, mostly draining, and irritating at times; it's a job that has brought some serious closure and healing to my heart and I have hopes that will continue. Being a part of kids who have dealt with intense trauma is extremely heartbreaking but so freeing, considering it's always been part of my dream.
As much as the trauma in my own life has stunted parts of me I still hoped to make a difference. The kind of difference in my own life and my families life that breaks family tradition. Some of those in my family are repression, fear of conflict, running away from anything and everything, ignoring issues.....
I've seen my sister and brother conquer this in specific areas but at the same token I'm seeing that much more needs to be conquered.
I hope that over time as we continue in family or start new ones, that we can break free from these setbacks.
There will be bumps in the road.
I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that my fight to leave my past behind me will possibly be a lifetime event. Each time I conquer something (or think I've conquered it) there is always something deeper. I don't know that I have found the root to anything because the times I think I do, not too soon after something brings up that repression or bitterness once more.
I've spent many hours being sad, mad, bitter, and resentful at my growing up and as much as I say I want to be completely done with those feelings and frame of mind there are still times it haunts me.
The hardest part is that when trials and hurtful events happen in the present I'm not so good at dealing with it. I've seen that other repressed feelings from things completely unrelated spring up and cause that much more trauma in my heart. I know that it is partly because I haven't fully dealt with everything and partly because if it rings close to what has happened in the past, those same feelings re-visit. It's my fault to not separate the two and to not be more diligent about these issues.
As much as my job is very hard, mostly draining, and irritating at times; it's a job that has brought some serious closure and healing to my heart and I have hopes that will continue. Being a part of kids who have dealt with intense trauma is extremely heartbreaking but so freeing, considering it's always been part of my dream.
As much as the trauma in my own life has stunted parts of me I still hoped to make a difference. The kind of difference in my own life and my families life that breaks family tradition. Some of those in my family are repression, fear of conflict, running away from anything and everything, ignoring issues.....
I've seen my sister and brother conquer this in specific areas but at the same token I'm seeing that much more needs to be conquered.
I hope that over time as we continue in family or start new ones, that we can break free from these setbacks.
There will be bumps in the road.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Seasons don't always change when you want them to.
In less than a month it will be a year since last July. The time when everything that had been falling apart in me would start to destroy little parts of my life one by one.
Why is it that when you think you have learned a hard life lesson, that when you go through it again you make the same mistakes? Suffer the same pain, the same consequences.
I must say that this time it was worse then prior lessons because yes, I had "learned" them already.
"I've been up for days, tryin to find a way, to write this confession down. Seems every line I writes a mess, at least this I'll admit, for what I've done I am not proud. There's no need to pretend, no need for innocence, I've got to be honest now.." (City and Colour)..
I have never had a harder year of my life then this past one starting in July. I can't begin to say how much I have spun around in my head all the ways it happened because it all started with me.
There was a time where my first love was God and He was what my life revolved around. I was protected, in a way, by the people and lifestyle that surrounded me but I don't want to use that as an excuse as to why I can't say this is true to my life now or the past year.
I was a camp-counselor last July (the second week) thinking that my lack of prayer and focus on my life around God would sustain me through it. But the lack just brought me down and that was the start of breaking down.
Not too much sooner I had thrown myself into a new church. The fault on my part was not using discernment, prayer, or listening to my best friend about if it was a good decision to throw myself into it. I was too busy self-seeking.
I also had this grand idea that I should go be the top dog animator for Pixar and that the only place I could go to school at was in California. The problem with this is that, ya that would be rad because I am in LOVE with animation, BUT the reality was that wasn't the dream that was placed in my heart. The problem is that my dream had so many facets to it that I couldn't pin point what it looked like integrated.
For a while I had failed at being humble and honest with God, and especially not listening. I'm still trying to cope with how self-seeking I was.
July was the month I chose to destruct every good relationship in my life and I clung to one's I didn't trust and who weren't there to steer me in the right direction. That's what I was taught, to push away those you love, especially when they love you back because I didn't believe I deserved love. I still struggle.
These relationships aren't mended yet and it hurts every day.
I've never shed more tears then I have this past year. I think that from November until April I cried every single day. I got used to "cry face" -as Lia would call it.
I've never had so many days I didn't want to live through. I couldn't wait for the day to end but more than that didn't want anything to do with the next day. I would pray for God to just take my life. I couldn't bare the pain anymore and I had never felt more isolated and alone and the problem with this amount of sadness is that you cannot get yourself out of it. It's not easy to call someone or go over to a friends. I needed to be pulled out and I didn't know how to let God do His job in me.
But He used my best friends. The person I did the most destruction to was the one there to pull me out every single day.
Not only do I have a hard time dealing with the pain I caused but for them to have grace.. ..
God has given us the ability to give what He has freely given but its too easy to say and so hard to do.. especially when that person has hurt you.
I'm still sad. I still cry. I still don't want to wake up some days but I am trying so hard to trust Him. I pray for healing but the hard thing is that it is a slow process and a process that asks for extreme patience and perseverance that is hard to find when your at your lowest.
Good things have come of this and I see a lot that went wrong but I am still not at a place to say that I don't regret this year. You never know how long consequences will last but when these end I'm sure I'll feel more free and hopefully more healed.
Hope is hard for some and easy for others and it's something I don't see most days.
But I must say that I am HOPING for this pain to end and for it to just be a memory, a learning experience, a hard season of life.
There are a lot of things that I don't do enough of like pray, love, hope, have joy, or strive for selflessness... but I am trying. Trying to let God give me the energy to do this and be the clay in the Potter's hands.
Why is it that when you think you have learned a hard life lesson, that when you go through it again you make the same mistakes? Suffer the same pain, the same consequences.
I must say that this time it was worse then prior lessons because yes, I had "learned" them already.
"I've been up for days, tryin to find a way, to write this confession down. Seems every line I writes a mess, at least this I'll admit, for what I've done I am not proud. There's no need to pretend, no need for innocence, I've got to be honest now.." (City and Colour)..
I have never had a harder year of my life then this past one starting in July. I can't begin to say how much I have spun around in my head all the ways it happened because it all started with me.
There was a time where my first love was God and He was what my life revolved around. I was protected, in a way, by the people and lifestyle that surrounded me but I don't want to use that as an excuse as to why I can't say this is true to my life now or the past year.
I was a camp-counselor last July (the second week) thinking that my lack of prayer and focus on my life around God would sustain me through it. But the lack just brought me down and that was the start of breaking down.
Not too much sooner I had thrown myself into a new church. The fault on my part was not using discernment, prayer, or listening to my best friend about if it was a good decision to throw myself into it. I was too busy self-seeking.
I also had this grand idea that I should go be the top dog animator for Pixar and that the only place I could go to school at was in California. The problem with this is that, ya that would be rad because I am in LOVE with animation, BUT the reality was that wasn't the dream that was placed in my heart. The problem is that my dream had so many facets to it that I couldn't pin point what it looked like integrated.
For a while I had failed at being humble and honest with God, and especially not listening. I'm still trying to cope with how self-seeking I was.
July was the month I chose to destruct every good relationship in my life and I clung to one's I didn't trust and who weren't there to steer me in the right direction. That's what I was taught, to push away those you love, especially when they love you back because I didn't believe I deserved love. I still struggle.
These relationships aren't mended yet and it hurts every day.
I've never shed more tears then I have this past year. I think that from November until April I cried every single day. I got used to "cry face" -as Lia would call it.
I've never had so many days I didn't want to live through. I couldn't wait for the day to end but more than that didn't want anything to do with the next day. I would pray for God to just take my life. I couldn't bare the pain anymore and I had never felt more isolated and alone and the problem with this amount of sadness is that you cannot get yourself out of it. It's not easy to call someone or go over to a friends. I needed to be pulled out and I didn't know how to let God do His job in me.
But He used my best friends. The person I did the most destruction to was the one there to pull me out every single day.
Not only do I have a hard time dealing with the pain I caused but for them to have grace.. ..
God has given us the ability to give what He has freely given but its too easy to say and so hard to do.. especially when that person has hurt you.
I'm still sad. I still cry. I still don't want to wake up some days but I am trying so hard to trust Him. I pray for healing but the hard thing is that it is a slow process and a process that asks for extreme patience and perseverance that is hard to find when your at your lowest.
Good things have come of this and I see a lot that went wrong but I am still not at a place to say that I don't regret this year. You never know how long consequences will last but when these end I'm sure I'll feel more free and hopefully more healed.
Hope is hard for some and easy for others and it's something I don't see most days.
But I must say that I am HOPING for this pain to end and for it to just be a memory, a learning experience, a hard season of life.
There are a lot of things that I don't do enough of like pray, love, hope, have joy, or strive for selflessness... but I am trying. Trying to let God give me the energy to do this and be the clay in the Potter's hands.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
California I miss you.
I re-arranged my room today.
I also cleaned the inside of my car.
Then I did laundry.
But there was something about cleaning the inside of my car that made me feel quite refreshed. I've kinda been going and going since mid-April and so has my car. And there are days where, on the inside, I can't seem to put a finger on where it is exactly, that I live. All that to say, I haven't been spending anytime on me. Today I did that.
I also have not been painting. Everyday it crosses my mind. Everday I look at the multiple unfinished canvas' and blank ones and I walk by with my head down. I just have to come to realize that there are times my heart can't handle painting whats inside. And usually these times are times I can be creative in other ways .. . . like .. .. writing. Although I crave to paint and have a lot to get out, I fear what will end up on the canvas.
This current season I have been trudging through has left me feeling very strongly about desiring a fresh start. But a fresh start that erases all thats behind. But it won't erase and I can't undo.
I've never felt so.. burdensome to others..
The people we're closest to are the ones that see our worst and our best and these past days I've never felt like more of a burden to them. This feeling makes me want to find a cave. I know there's good and bad about me, and I see where I need to change, but the situations that have happened have been spotlighting my faults. And not only spotlighting them but causing me to feel horrible. I almost feel ashamed to be me.
Maybe silence and solitude can clear this up.
In the past it was times like this that caused me to run away and move to a new place because sometimes, going where no one knows you lets you show your best self where pain hasn't manifested yet.
But that was the past.
I also cleaned the inside of my car.
Then I did laundry.
But there was something about cleaning the inside of my car that made me feel quite refreshed. I've kinda been going and going since mid-April and so has my car. And there are days where, on the inside, I can't seem to put a finger on where it is exactly, that I live. All that to say, I haven't been spending anytime on me. Today I did that.
I also have not been painting. Everyday it crosses my mind. Everday I look at the multiple unfinished canvas' and blank ones and I walk by with my head down. I just have to come to realize that there are times my heart can't handle painting whats inside. And usually these times are times I can be creative in other ways .. . . like .. .. writing. Although I crave to paint and have a lot to get out, I fear what will end up on the canvas.
This current season I have been trudging through has left me feeling very strongly about desiring a fresh start. But a fresh start that erases all thats behind. But it won't erase and I can't undo.
I've never felt so.. burdensome to others..
The people we're closest to are the ones that see our worst and our best and these past days I've never felt like more of a burden to them. This feeling makes me want to find a cave. I know there's good and bad about me, and I see where I need to change, but the situations that have happened have been spotlighting my faults. And not only spotlighting them but causing me to feel horrible. I almost feel ashamed to be me.
Maybe silence and solitude can clear this up.
In the past it was times like this that caused me to run away and move to a new place because sometimes, going where no one knows you lets you show your best self where pain hasn't manifested yet.
But that was the past.
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Love Was Never Meant To Be This Hard
Being asked to love those that won't love you back is a heavy burden but receiving unconditional love throughout is a gift that never runs out.
Love is patient, Love is kind, Love does not envy, does not boast, Love does not seek its own way, Love takes no account for evil, Love believes all things, endures all things, hopes all things, LOVE NEVER FAILS.
And on my finger I tattooed myself with "love never ends"; another way to say it does not fail. Little did I know at that time the seriousness of love. The reality that when someone (whoever it might be) doesn't reciprocate love, my own outflow of love isn't patient or kind. It does start to envy and get what it wants. And yes.. the love that I have tried to give has failed me and it has ended.
It is easier to love those who give back but how much more a reward to love the unloveable. It sounds great saying that but the reality that I will actually follow through has been a disappointment.
It's something I strive for. Something I hope for. Something I was not taught but struggle and stumble to gain.
I wish I could say that I take the unconditional love showered on me from God and turned to do the same to those who surround me.. .
Hmmm
I've had this blogspot for a while. It started with private writings, then moved on to become a make-shift website to display my artwork and now.. a WHILE later I re-did all the info and profile so that I can just plain blog. As of now.. no followers, 1 wimpy post, my non functioning brain (considering its 2am), and a tired face.
In hopes to sleep better the later I stay up, it always sounds like a good idea but something manages to wake me up early.
Friday. . . thanks for being a day I look forward to. End of the week, no worries of staying up late, no planning to do for work the next day, no cramming in stuff so I can attempt to get sleep..
But I must say that sometimes expectations are a pre-meditated disappointment. I had high expectations for yesterday (since its now saturday morning) and they were a bad thing to start the day off with. Overall.. the day was good and the night was fun (minus the hurdles), but I am glad that I am now in my home with no interruptions, the peaceful sound of old creeky house noise, and of course the fridge fan because it is ever so loud when everything is asleep.
About me.. since this is the first post in a while. ..
My job has been something I look forward to and one thing that I can constantly agree that it is good and I love it. You never really see the full potential of a dream until you live it and I am in the process of living that. As I know that it will continue to form and mold into more and more as I continue to be faithful in moving forward.
I also can say that art is something I hold close. The main thing I have been told is that my art is emotional. And yes, it is. I never set out with a blank canvas seeing the end result but something happens in between the emptiness to the creation and I am still figuring that out. I am extremely passionate about getting a message across through my work but beauty still lies in the beholder. There are times I can't put my paintbrush down and times when I don't even know it anymore. The ups and downs of life are sometimes too powerful to let them escape on a blank canvas ... sometimes time just needs to pass.
In hopes to sleep better the later I stay up, it always sounds like a good idea but something manages to wake me up early.
Friday. . . thanks for being a day I look forward to. End of the week, no worries of staying up late, no planning to do for work the next day, no cramming in stuff so I can attempt to get sleep..
But I must say that sometimes expectations are a pre-meditated disappointment. I had high expectations for yesterday (since its now saturday morning) and they were a bad thing to start the day off with. Overall.. the day was good and the night was fun (minus the hurdles), but I am glad that I am now in my home with no interruptions, the peaceful sound of old creeky house noise, and of course the fridge fan because it is ever so loud when everything is asleep.
About me.. since this is the first post in a while. ..
My job has been something I look forward to and one thing that I can constantly agree that it is good and I love it. You never really see the full potential of a dream until you live it and I am in the process of living that. As I know that it will continue to form and mold into more and more as I continue to be faithful in moving forward.
I also can say that art is something I hold close. The main thing I have been told is that my art is emotional. And yes, it is. I never set out with a blank canvas seeing the end result but something happens in between the emptiness to the creation and I am still figuring that out. I am extremely passionate about getting a message across through my work but beauty still lies in the beholder. There are times I can't put my paintbrush down and times when I don't even know it anymore. The ups and downs of life are sometimes too powerful to let them escape on a blank canvas ... sometimes time just needs to pass.
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