"personal day"

Hello friday. thanks for giving me the day off.
Actually my ribs were knocked out of place while at work and the fact that I couldn't take deep breaths or sleep all week from it was killing me. So i went to the chiropracter last night and that helped but she sent me to a different one and I went again today. He completely beat me up (in a good way) and put everything back in place. Now I just have a very swollen muscle/joint on my rib and hopefully ice will kick it to the curb.
My boss was awesome about me taking the day and I get paid for sick! YaHoo!!!

I hate being torn. I feel like I'm always torn. I wish I could take my loved ones from here and mesh it with the beach life of california. People here seem to not know what its like to have a beach life so I feel dumb trying to explain it. I really did grow up with a hippy mom, a brother that only surfed and across from the beach. All we did was live the beach life.

well I'm wasting time that I could be doing art so now I must put this aside and do art.
So far I have added to my etsy site. Joined a site where business' can find artists to hang their art =D. And now I will update my website =D. Oh ya!

it's not about you.

I'm eating ice cream. I very rarely eat ice cream. I usually go for cookies or dark chocolate but ice cream magically appeared in the freezer =).
Work has been causing an enormous amount of anxiety in me. I can honestly say that I fear some of the students in my class. Not only is this my first experience working with crisis intervention amongst mentally ill children, but I was placed in the largest, most volotile class in the whole school. I've had numerous things thrown at me leaving bruises and such. I've been kicked and hit. And mostly I've been yelled at and cursed at... and a lot of times its things I have never ever thought about saying or thought could be said. I've been beating myself up over my fear and lack of confidence but no matter what I try I have not overcome it so I finally told my boss, who is the greatest boss I could ask for... literally! He was an amazing listener, completely understood, and instantly took action. So after summer quarter I will now be teaching in the elementary class. I will probably continue to teach art in the class I'm in now but a permanent switch is happening. That is 3.5 weeks from now. I feel very relieved.

We can always wish for things to be different, be new, or be changed. And sometimes the grass is greener but with most things, watering the grass you stand on is the best choice.

There are many times I can close my eyes and picture the sunsets I used to watch every evening and remember how precious those dates were with God and that someday I will have those dates again the way they used to be.. so sweet as the sky was painted until the stars lit the sky... and so quiet that my thoughts never overwhelmed me and I always walked away with more.

I wish I had found that here.. . but I've lost it.

whataday

I like it when I can accomplish a lot in a day and not feel completely worn out at the end but still have energy to keep going.
Today I worked, took the kids to the art museum + walked around downtown tacoma, went to the foot doctor, went on a jog, did an ab work out, showered, sketched on a canvas then started to charcoal it in, went to the tempest for open mic, now at home and in ten minutes I will be doing more art and following that I will read. HA. full day and still energy to go.

Today the one girl in my class said to me "Miss Chelsea I'm pretty sure the whole time I've known you you've only wore pants once.. what's up with that?"
all I could do was laugh because I wear jeans every friday but rotate skirts every other of the week. She's far from a girly girl.
Kids say the funniest things and I definitely keep track of their funny comments. =D

thats all for today.
good night moon.

changed by You.

I act like I've never had a dad and a lot of time I feel like I never did.
Then there are days when I miss him greatly. I think about him every day.. some days more depending on the events.
..I wish I understood why. And I'm torn about the story that follows. I'm not sure if I fully am thankful for the storm that occured after he left. I know it's made me who I am. I know I wouldn't be where I am if it never happened. But I can never say I'm glad it happened.. because I'm far from that feeling or truth inside me.

The memories of losing you .. you're like a ghost..
... I wish you were listening..
... I wish you were listening..
To get through it.. to get through it..

There is so much to mend with my mom. So much to forgive that I don't feel she deserves. I know that is wrong. If God can forgive me for all and all to come and I am far from deserving.. why can I not do the same if I am striving for who He is?
So many walls are up.
I need to start with sincere prayer.. but I'm scared to. Honestly.. I'm scared of what God will ask of me. But at the same time I know it won't be more than I can handle.
I never want it to be too late...

On a lighter note.. tomorrow is my friday and we are taking a field trip to the art museum. Secretly.. I'm probably the most excited about it.
The week after next is art week and today I began planning the projects. I'm excited to be able to hang their creations throughout the halls of school!

I'm doing two tattoos tomorrow.
The weekend is still unplanned but I'm happy its here.

A focus of my heart needs to be more drenched in disciplines I've been lazy about. I can't seem to do what I want but continue to take the lazy way.. pppfftt.

...and I am changed by You.. the more I get to know You..

smile for you now.

I'll smile for you now..
cuz your sad..
and I'm not allowed to be sad.
I'll make a joke for you now..
make you smile..
but I'm not allowed to be sad.
I'll burn for you now..
cuz you're mine..
and you're not allowed to feel nothing.
Careful now..
I may fall apart for you now..
make you cry..
but I'm not allowed to be sad.
-Copeland.

More often than not I wish I had to ability to write as beautifully as songwriters. So many songs make my heart smile.
I entered in three drawings tonight for a t-shirt company that only buys designs from real artists. They buy designs for 1,000$ each. I hope mine moves forward.

I've slept like crap since friday and I'm still surviving. I did pass out nicely in the sun today which helped me feel a lot better. Thanks sun.. for coming out today.. i really lost hope in you this morning.

My job is very much amazing but very much wearing on me and all I can say is that I am so thankful that it has shown me the real path I want to go down. It narrowed the million things that I desire to do. I still want to do those million things but now they will remain hobbies which is great with me!

I won't be at work on friday so I am now doing 2 tattoos and am very excited about it. I really do love skin as a medium.. it's so different and unique from anything else and itself. I just don't like the industry and do not want to continue in it.

My heart is the craziest mixture of sad and happy ; confused and directed. I don't really know what to do. Tonight I gave advice to my lovely friend jen and I said "throw your hands up to God because we tend to take the first opportunity when faith is slipping. His timing is always last minute to us."
Now.. as I process that conversation I see how much that advice needs to turn around and come to me as well.
I like this place I'm in a lot more than I liked this past year. I am so thankful for that.. and it can only get better cuz I won't be here forever.

I've had a lame form of artist's block. It's like a fear block. Scared to dig in and paint. I now itch to paint and tomorrow will hopefully be the day that I do it.. like paint my own stuff.. not all these crazy amounts of murals I've been painting.


... you've gotta believe .. this heart will be for you ...

There's a hole in my heart that needs to constantly be filled with love.

errands take fun away. not a fan.
I chose to not wear make-up this weekend. lazy+beach=no make-up. It's weird how make-up helps you feel pretty. I slightly wish it was never created but at the same time it is pretty fun. I just really don't like the insecurity that easily sets in that makes you believe you're not pretty without it.
I slept really bad the past two nights and I hope to sleep better tonight.
I also hope that I can go to work tomorrow and feel supported. Lately I've been quite scared at work and have felt unsupported. I hope that ends soon.

I thought up a really great idea for a series of paintings and I'm really stoked to start them. I also am going to send off 2-3 t-shirt design possibilities tomorrow. If they chose mine they pay a 1000 per drawing. That'd be sweet.
I'm also trying to set something up with a friend to paint live during his music gig which really makes me excited. Tonight he said "it would bring another angle of creativity to my performance and you get to be a rockstar for an evening." =D

Summer is almost over. I really don't want to see another washington winter. At all.

Admit it Tacoma, you're beautiful...

...is the bumper sticker on the van in front of me yesterday. The ironic thing is that just prior to noticing this bumper sticker I was deep in thought about the defined relationship I have with Tacoma = it is a love/hate relationship. humph.

I feel like writing about random things (not that most of my stuff isn't like that already...)
I saw Ivoryline tonight and I would like to see them again someday.
"my complacency won't last much longer..."

There are days I wish I could eat only peanut butter and chocolate but lately that has not been as appetizing as usual.
This past year I've been very disobedient to what I feel like God called me to do/be.
I now take action.
I really love love love tattooing but really hate it at the same time.
God always follows through. And ya know.. I don't know why I would ever not rely on that because He's perfect. But I also deal with humans all the time who do things like.. fart, smell, drive bad, eat bad, don't take care of things, don't always follow through, make poor choices, give into temptations... we can all think of more..
BUT God in His nature is not human and does not act like man. That is one of my favorite parts about Him.

I really like smelling good and feeling clean even though I go through phases where showering drives me crazy.
I don't like being cold.
More often than not, beauty overwhelms me and I can't seem to describe the way it makes me feel but I know that its good.
Going to Figurative Art School is one of my favorite things I've done in life so far.
So was going to Eternity Bible College. I don't know that I will ever live with a better group of girls again.
I leave voicemails but I don't check mine until I have like 15 in my box. I don't fully understand it but they make me feel pressured in an anxious way so I leave them for a long time. Or I skip to the only one I want to hear.
I surround myself with kids because the reality is that I still am a kid.
I wish letting go was easier.
I don't plan well. there's nothing more to say about this.
I fly by the seat of my pants too much.
I worry about future stuff but I really only like taking things day by day.
I'm a procrastinator in every sense of the word. It doesn't matter what it is. I'm sorry if it bugs you (whoever you are) but I really do work best this way. It isn't something "I'm working on" because it just is.
I really do get jealous of creative people because I don't have everyone else's nitch and it's easy to think of mine as extroardinary.
I have a very talented, messy family and I really do believe that God is trying to mend the cracks of damage.
I miss the beach in a way that weighs very heavily on my heart a lot of the time and more than that I miss my brother. .. the beach and my brother are a 2 in 1 deal.
No matter where I am I'm torn and it's something I have to find contentment in.
Being rushed completely stresses me out.
I never want to work earlier than 7am again. My body just doesn't work that way.
We should all play more and work less.. or add more play to the work.
I create best when I have no time to.
I rarely get paid for the amount of artwork I do and that is the sad part of being an artist. At the opposite end of that.. it is sooo hard to put a price on my paintings. It's like selling a portion of my heart which I don't do. It should be given.
Love is extremely tiresome and hard but I think the most rewarding thing you can ever get yourself into. I think that naturally, we all love easily but selfishness constantly knocks at our door.
Becoming a follower of Christ has been the hardest decision so far. But it has also been the decision with most value and worth. I can't imagine where I would be now without Him.
I am beyond utterly blessed to have the people I do in my life who knew me 8-10 years ago. I was not only a bitch but I constantly made poor decisions and did not chose right over wrong. Those people love and follow the Lord and He had his hand on me before I even knew of Him and He used those people to love me through their own faults.
I told a student today that this past year has been one of the hardest years for me and she was so shocked it surprised me. I forget that kids think that adults have no worries or hardships.
I love my job but at the same time I'm scared and on edge a majority of the time and it wears on me more and more.

My heart is completely smiling right now even though life isn't perfect.. and for that I have joy.

Organizing, getting rid of (anything that falls into that category)is always very therapeutic for me. It's like I'm cleaning up my inside's .. but on the outside.
And there does come a point where I have to stop because I've absolutely had too much.

this is true about my own journey in this life.
i try to organize, get rid of, add some good... ect. to my own character and heart and the place i'm always left is that only God can really do that. And not only can He.. but I have to be willing to let Him do so.

Today was overwhelming. It was easy, long, boring, overwhelming, sad, hard, good, happy, but mostly overwhelming.
I don't know what else to do at this point but move forward taking each minute as it comes.. and frankly that's all I want and all I really can do.
I've tried to mold my future whether far or near and it blows up in my face. I've tried to make those plans that deep down feel against right but I still do them.
I just want to live.
Guided by His hand and not my own.

When I went outside tonight I saw tons and tons of stars (which I can't always see in Tacoma) and the only thing I felt and thought was total awe and the only thing I could utter was "Wow God, You really do have it all under control." It was the best feeling and thought I've had in a while. Ultimate trust left my heart at that moment.. something I've strained my prayers over for a while. I really do notice God's amazing creation all the time, but those moments where it seems like He literally held Your heart so you'd see what He has done and continues to do are always leaving me in total awe and the most peace a person could ever feel.
I am in that space now and it still feels wonderful. Some things are very sad, very hard and seem scary.. but this space is keeping the worry at bay.
The great part about this all is that the only reason I had to go outside is to feed and water my sister's chickens. I had totally forgot about them so didn't get out there until 10:30 and this God date was already planned.
thank you, for a great end to this messy day..

pulled the curtains shut.. tried to keep it dark
but the sun is burning .. the sun is burning

with hopes of better days to come...
it's a morning yearning..

another day
another chance
to get it right
must i still be learning.. still be learning

like a summer rose
i'm a victim of the fall
but i'm soon returngin .. soon returning

Your love's the warmest place the sun ever shined..
in my morning yearning

Jesus, Savior .. there's something about Your name...

No matter how many times I'm left in utter confusion and frustration about the way life is I still crave to cry out ot You. In times of the deepest pain or the fiercest anger all I can do is lift my hands up in prayer to You. Through all my questions unanswered, that at times have brought me to unbelief, You still pull me back in to see where You are.
The reality is that my disobedience has strangled me. My lack of trust has drowned me. And my outward blame has left me completely guilty.
I look back at every trial and can, for the most part, see the amazing thing You were doing. And the times I was nothing but obedient were the times I was most at peace, most filled with joy, and most trusting. I look back and can see all the reasons I'm not that same person anymore and it bums me out but I can only imagine the way it makes You feel. Love is a choice with no conditions and You chose to love me.. and not only love me, but save me from myself.
I know what it takes to get back there and I wish I was. Every night before bed I pray to You that I will work harder tomorrow, stay more focused tomorrow, look to You for what to do tomorrow...
But as soon as my busyness of the day starts to wear .. I hear the voice that tells me that I didn't follow through on those things.
I know I'm forgiven. But I can't be put in the pile of grace takers. I don't want to abuse the grace You freely give or the constant chances I have to let You change me.
I want You to be the center. I want to not care about the rest.. and lately I haven't as much. I feel like I finally battled the lack of trust that was poisoning my soul and fell into Your arms again. Let me stay there.
Let me follow Your way.
It's easy to think I can do it on my own. And for a while You let me. I fought to hard to get my way. But now, more than ever, I know that I need Your constant direction.

The reward for obedience is much more greater than the instant gratification of disobedience.

Diamonds on the Inside.

I still believe that change can happen though its hard and it happens slowly. I still believe that forgiveness comes when love and God when it washes over me. If we've all forgotten you...are we all forgotten too.. don't you break my heart. don't you break my heart .. again.
-Paper Route.

I'm not completely against making plans because there are definite times they are important.. BUT the problem I constantly run into is not only my independance, but needing to re-charge, wanting to create, wanting to be adventurous or just plain alone.
It's something that I have struggled with a lot. I used to constantly make plans and then become extremely overwhelmed. They would make me feel locked into stuff because if I cancelled then you have to deal with people being bummed or upset at you and that was definitely more present when I was younger.
There are many times I want to do my own thing and I've already committed to something.
Eh.. what do ya do..

Thats all I got.
Goodnight.

I've been running so long .. I forgot what I was running for..

This made me feel like I was in back at home in cali. Last night the sky was perfect. The sun set slowly and wasn't fully down until 10pm. It was so nice. It was a combination of stuff, the rolling hills in the distance, the amazing colors in the sky, the slight temperature drop from a perfectly hot day, and sitting outside with friends doing nothing but hangin.

There are times when I really battle with how my time is spent. I've mostly always felt like spending time with people should be number one or at least an important priority, but there is so much I want to be doing that it's a hard balance. And I'm talking about art stuff. Such as searching for good opportunities with art or working on my stuff like painting or drawing. Art is quite a lonely love. It's been hard for me to balance art and people.. there's always more of one than the other and lately that's been people. In the past I've tried to mix the two and with some people it works just fine.. the people who want to be creative as well. But I still haven't found the right balance of this. To be a full time artist takes more hours than most jobs. Which would mean a lot of alone time set apart from the world.
Maybe this will always just be a hard thing.

On another note... I'm torn in many ways. Confused in many ways. Content in a lotta ways. Ready for adventure but ready to figure it out. Ready to never see rain again.. (ts ts its cloudy today). Ready to start over but not at the same time.
Very much ready to be strong and healthy (in a non-physical way) and I feel like I am stronger and healthier than I've been in a long time.
I very much miss my brother, who lives in Santa Cruz, and frankly.. living in WA is too far from him and that's hard. I've spent so much time living near my sis but not enough near my brother and I really just wish that we could all live near eachother. I don't know how families live part on the east coast and part on the west. I wouldn't handle it well. Either way someone's missed and torn feelings are there.

In the past it's been easy to run away and used that as my solve all problems.. which of course it didn't. It did give me a chance to start fresh but it didn't necessarily remove previous problems. I feel like people who know that about me have just labeled me as a runner no matter how much I've changed or how much I really am not that anymore. I feel like if I decided to move today they'd say "you're running again." Ya know.. I'm kinda mad about it. A lot of me just very very much loves loves loves new places, adventure, and fresh starts. So does all of that make me a runner also? I mean.. my dream for a long time was to own a VW van and travel everywhere I wanted to. SO does that make me a runner?
bleh.. thats just some frustration coming out.

The sun is officially out now. WaHoo!

I keep thinking that I can narrow it down to one thing I miss about home and I can't fully do it but the thing I would choose would be watching the sunsets on the cliffs over the ocean. The beach was always such a special place for me, as it is for most people. I would skate to it in the morning, go there in the middle of night, rarely miss a sunset.. if I was up for it I'd sleep there. It's not just one aspect of the beach.. it's the feeling of sand on a hot day.. almost too hot to walk. And when its dusk the sand turns a perfect chilled temperature. It's where the water meets the sand and turns it a totally different consistency, and the waves rolling in. The sound alone of the waves is enough to drown out this world.
It's been hard trying to help people understand these feelings who haven't grown up at a beach. It's like they think I'm just weird.
I haven't found that place here in washington.
I'm not saying there aren't cool spots to hang or go to .. but nothing beats the beach.
My heart misses it more than a lot of things.
It was always my most precious time to process anything, create things, rest, listen, pray ....

To some its a frustration how I miss these things but I don't care anymore because thats home to me. I went to beach everyday as a child and it was always an escape from my life for me.

Other things are on my brain but they are things that don't make sense or they are frustrating for me. I can only try to not be frustrated and confused because there isn't much I can do in those situations but let it go. Which I've started to do. I have felt strong, much more healthy than recent months, and excited for once in a long time to go out and adventure again and welcome with a smile what life is going to have.
Emotions work in odd ways. It's hard to wrap around the fact that most humans want what they don't have and when they get it they don't want it anymore. It seems like I constantly hear about that happening or witness it.
I've been feeling slightly claustrophobic (how is that spelled?) lately...
mainly from having to deal with the same stuff over and over again.
I was letting myself remain hurt, broken, fearful...
so dumb. Ya .. me. There's no reason anyone should let themselves stay in that position.
So I finally made a decision to not. I hit a breaking point. I think we all hit our breaking point at one time or another. I didn't blow up about it, didn't cause a scene.
I quietly recognized the feelings and circumstances of the situation and made a choice.
Sometimes its a little easier to make a choice when frustration is involved.
It's taken me a while to get to this spot.
I'm very thankful.

I am upset thought that my foot is injured. bleh. no one should have an injured foot over summer - it's just not right. A boy landed directly on top of my foot from jumping up to spike the volleyball. I instantly thought it broke. Mind you.. this foot was broken 3 years ago and never fully healed properly. I did go to the foot doc and the good news is that it's a severe bruise with possibly ligament/tissue damage.
I'm still slightly gimpy.
Two weeks is the range.. and I would prefer a couple days. we'll see.

I have some eventful weekends coming up and I must say I'm extremely stoked for them.

=) .. and I'll end on that note..

Grace

Well this past weekend was probably one of the best weekends I've had in a while. Much needed.
I left Saturday morning for Long Beach, Washington and did not return until last night wishing I was still there ..
Not only was I surrounded by people I LOVE but they are also crazy energetic, never bored or dull moment, full of fun!
I played lots of pickleball, laid at the beach, played some volleyball, ate food, did the firework thing, had a bonfire, ate smores, and did lots of painting.
The best part were the people I was with.
Even though I was busy and having a constant amount of fun I still had a heavy mind and was working through a lot of stuff.
..as I still continue to do..
I easily become confused and I think its more of a fear of making decisions. I fear regret or deciding the wrong thing. I don't want to be in that position but it was brought to my attention this weekend that is where I am and am moving out of it.
I'm not quite ready to publicly share all the raw details but I know that at times I'm slightly overwhelmed with it all.
I think the overwhelming aspect is that everything I decide plays a huge effect on my future and consequences. I mean, I've always known that but now I really know it.. .. if that makes sense.
This weekend did change a lot of my pain and frustration I've been struggling with towards God about my own consequences which was huge. I hit a state of thankfulness and understanding that I've been trying to reach for a while now. I would pray for thankfulness but I couldn't handle praying things I wasn't completely sincere about.
I am beyond thankful for the people I was surrounded by at the beach this weekend. Really genuinely amazing people, who not only love their families & friends in a real way but love God. Its just so great to be able to join other families and friends and feel like family; especially since mine is quite messy and broken.

There are still things in my life that I am frustrated about, sometimes a little too much, that this weekend didn't really cure.. just gave me a break.
I have hope for healing and what I feel like I should be doing more than anything else is to stay in tune with God's direction. Its so easy to say that I will walk away and be obedient in the next opportunity but the reality is that when that opportunity arises the distraction of it causes me to forget to pray and see what God says about it. So in the times of least distraction I am striving to grow a more solid foundation.
Its hard and the road is long BUT.. I am not walking it alone. Grace...
Oh Grace.. you never left me...

I guess to end this.. would be to say that sometimes faith requires us to just let it go.. . ..

She's only happy in the sun

I'm going to Long Beach and I kinda wish I wasn't coming back to tacoma after. Sad part is that I have to for now.
Last years LB trip was a disaster and I'm glad that won't be repeated this year =). I hope its sunny.
Sick of the rain and clouds. So sick of them. Goodbye rain I would NEVER miss you if I never saw you again.
I'm a last minute person. I'm leaving in an hour and haven't packed yet or got ready. I always think its kinda funny when people won't hang out or do stuff the few nights prior to going out of town because they have to pack. Really? Is packing really that intense? Maybe someday I'll understand the intensity.

I want to avoid some things in my life right now. Ignore. Say screw you to them. But that never makes things better. Anger and resentment always seems to take the place of pain when I'm sick of feeling pain. Well I'm sick of feeling pain.
If we were more genuinly selfless we probably wouldn't hurt others so much. The problem is that we're not.
Lame.

Well.. here I go. To the beach to forget about all this shit and have fun. Run on the beach, hopefully do some art.
Then.. hopefully I'll go to cali at the end of the month and really get away. By myself.

expression of heart comes out when the bottom is found..

I got a massage today and it was great. It was great to lay down and breathe everything out even though I'm laying on someone's table, mostly naked, and very vulnerable. Now I just need to find a way to do that when I lay my head down at night.

I wrote this a while ago.. I blamed God for consequences and hurts and now this time has passed I am ready to share it =
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The expression of heart comes out when the bottom is found.
I'm afraid I've reached the bottom
..rust and mold are starting to grow.
waiting
waiting
starving for love to return
first chance.. second chance
renewed
and love who won't love back.
How is that fair?
How is that what You wanted for us?
and for it to be ok?
It wasn't.
But its what it is so why can't You fix it?

I once believed you were the Ultimate Healer
but as time has passed living life with You
my heart has only sunk
and this void has only grown
and whether I shut the blinds and sleep or live out the day
...on the inside I'm drowning
...and my capacity to care about tomorrow is aging.

Why can't we all just move on in Love?
L O V E love.

Instead we jab at each other
remain mad
resentful
stop communicating
withhold love
become selfish
believe the lies..
Oh the lies that leave us drunk with pain.
Sing to me a lullaby of love gone right
and a hope filled night
as You take my hand
and drop the past
and look ahead with another chance.

This fine line of a tight grip to finding the break of surrender.
If only I could be more of who my heart wishes..
I wasn't 'this' when You sought me out.
I surrendered, embraced, walked proudly blindfolded, let Your truth fill my cracks.
And sin not dealt with leads to a life of consequences and lingering pain.
I want to believe I've been living.. .. but would need to wear a mask.
A sunken heart can only ask for a hand.

The painful stings of right gone wrong
...or an illusion of what you thought was right.
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I wrote this months ago. A time where I didn't care to try, didn't care about much. And now that I share it I almost feel like I need to cover myself due to the amount of vulnerability.
I do think about those sweet times I first met God. The times where it truly seemed like something in my heart and blew it up with a love I had never tasted. I know its there somewhere but the consequences of my mistakes, then avoidance of dealing with things suffocated me. I hate that I did that but I'm not going to be stuck anymore.
I haven't quite been able to pinpoint the time over these past months that I started to care where my life was going again but I'm thankful its back. The worst part is that I felt like I had no control over getting it back again.
I now see things on the horizon and am excited for them again where before I forgot what that felt like. It's scary how blind we can be sometimes. And how much lies can steal joy.
I do not want to regress. at all.
I want to move forward.
I know there will be days I will have to embrace pain.. or maybe they'll just be moments (I hope the latter) and that's ok because the reality is that its a feeling and the choice to move forward is there.
I wish I could paint the picture of a loosened, surrendered grip.. but it would never turn out the way I see it.
Thats the hard part about being an artist: what I see inside isn't what my hand can always get out. But the good side is that those are the pictures I have that can't be shared because I don't want to share everything. And these are the pictures that never leave me and are fully finished.
I've wanted to paint for days now -- let me clarify--I've wanted to express my own self through painting not just paint murals and such.
I know that I will need a day to do so and be ok with my heart and thoughts and what needs to come out.
Oh how I wish I could have those sweet times alone on the beach watching the sun meet the horizon. Maybe some day.
Big battles lie within and all I want to do is surrender and be carried by the wind.

Mr. Fantastic Pants

I drove way way way too much today. I probably coulda made it to california with the amount I drove. bleh.

I went to an organic/vegan restaurant for dinner tonight. I ordered coffee and asked for honey with my coffee and the girl responded with= "this is a vegan restaurant." She might has well said "sorry your dumb and didn't know that honey is an animal product!" I used to be vegan but I'm not anymore and I definitely was not thinking about a bee being an animal. Coffee was still good though.. and the food.

I've figured out quite a bit. I know that I want to keep teaching. I know that I love working with kids. I know that I love therapy setting for kids. And of course I know that I love art. So with the amount of alone time I've had the past week I've had some time to think about all this. I have decided that I need to get my teaching credentials (sooner then later) and minor in art therapy. With the experience I've had so far teaching mentally and emotionally ill/traumatized kids I know that I love them but I don't want to stay at this type of school. As sad as it is to say. . . I'm just not as tough as I want to be emotionally for it, and it is really hard to have to restrain kids all the time and get beat up on mentally and verbally. So I know that I want to teach in a public school and work with the less fortunate in an art therapy setting. I am extremely excited and relieved to have found this conclusion--- even though it has been through years of trial and error and fear of making decisions. Now the bridge I have to cross is going to the right school without going totally broke and praying for a way (financially) to get through it. I know I can do it but this part always scares me. We'll see. I know that some places are better than others for teaching and I want a good education so I can educate others. Wow.. that sounded so professional of me.

I'm almost done painting 4 walls at school and everyone seems to absolutely love them. My boss even said I can go overtime if needed because they're so great. No overtime for me though, my shoulder can only paint for so long. I'm only painting for a little while tomorrow and then a friend is coming over to give me and brittany massages. I am stoked. Then I'm taking the evening to get some things organized and such.

I feel so indifferent about the upcoming months. Its a weird feeling. Slightly excited, anticipation, fear, slight frustration, a lot of a confusion, and probably some decisions to be made. I fear making decisions. I made so many dumb ones when I was younger that now hesitation rises above solid decisions which tends to be worse.

The one decision that I am really lacking is the decision to be more obedient to God and much more loyal. I've been failing in this area and I know that I can't make any other proper decisions until I can get that in gear. I need to prioritize and I've known that this is needed for a while but I've been in sort of a rut. Its not that I don't desire to grow in this area its just that I put it off and think that I'll make time later and time doesn't ever show up.
Not an excuse.